Bemused

Its a new life

2009-06-09T14:29:00.003+05:30

It took us almost two months to find a corner for ourselves in Mumbai. Apart from the fact that we were financially challenged for a good part of it, the real estate god was also playing hide and seek with us. Of course, finally things did look up and as of May 10th 2009, we have become the proud tenants of a cute 1 BHK in a rather peaceful nook of Mumbai.

Let me confess, I was not very happy about it initially. I am an out and out Bandra girl. I have almost always lived there, and think its heaven in Mumbai. Of course, I can no more afford a place in that corner I love so much. So I had to settle for the next best. This is where my husband always stayed, and he completely adores it. I too warmed up to it eventually...

But this is not the only component of my new life. My marriage is slowly moving towards maturity, and just when I thought we had kind of settled down, we found a brand new thing to get all excited about. We got our first pet.

I had written about my fears and apprehensions of having a pet in my last post. I remember feeling very anxious, nervous and scared about letting another living creature enter our lives. Honestly, I was not sure how either of us were planning on handling it. But then, I guess sometimes you just get lucky.

We brought home this calico kitty, about two months old, tiny and shivering into our house one Saturday evening about a month ago. She mewed her heart out for the first two days, and then realised we were not monsters, and decided to give us a chance. Eventually she also decided that we might be interesting playmates and since then there has been no looking back. She litter-trained herself in 24 hrs and has been grooming herself from the very first day... She runs around the house, plays with us, and sleeps on us when she is tired... She is growing bigger each day, with a better appetite and strength to show off. We hardly hear her voice these days because she does not complain anymore...

So that's Kuku the wonder cat. The tiny thing has changed our lives completely. I never imagined it would make such a huge difference to have a fluffy furry living creature in the house. We have spent endless hours playing with her, cuddling her, talking baby-talk, or just watching her sleep... We have become the 'cat-people' who have loads of kitty stories to share with our friends & family. I go back home to her with a smile on my face. She is the best stress-buster I know... And what is amazing is that we seem to have become happier people....

So here's to my new life in Mumbai... Not only a new place, but a new phase of life all together... We have jobs, friends, a home to take care of, and a little kitten who means the world to us...

To pet or not to pet

2009-05-07T15:59:00.002+05:30

I have never known myself as a lover of any species other than humans. Well not that I like most humans, but that apart, I have never really shown a lot of affection for the stray dog, the crow on my terrace, or the fish in the pond. I actually eat a lot of animal flesh (some people say I can eat anything that walks or crawls). But I have never felt a surge of love for them. In fact, if I remember correctly, I have usually been a little scared of them, especially the canines residing on the streets… I always told my parents I wanted a pet, and since none of them obliged I left it at that for all these years.

Things change, and so do people. And apparently so have I. Just like a number of things I am rediscovering about myself, I also discovered that I actually am quite affectionate towards the animal kingdom. I found a dog for my mum, and when I finally met her I realised she was one of the most adorable creatures I have laid my eyes on. I met the two kittens my friend has and realised I can totally live with them. I read Marley and me and wanted Marley for myself… And today when I see a pup or a kitty on the street, I often find myself on all fours trying to play with them.

My husband, on the other hand, has always been an animal lover. I got to know that he had brought a pup home when he was a kid. He had taken care of a sick cat in college, and he is now most enthusiastic about having a pet. And that is where the real test came in. While I have been saying I want to have a pet, I have started having doubts. But first, how I got into the situation of having a pet…

After moving to Mumbai we have been staying with a friend. A cat recently delivered a litter in his house, behind the TV cabinet to be more precise. When I discovered them, I was ecstatic… I immediately called a friend who is a real pet lover and we started dreaming of adopting them. It was only last night that I suddenly had a panic attack… It’s like always wanting a baby but suddenly you are actually pregnant… I started thinking of all the things I will have to do in the pretext of caring for the kitty… Litter cleaning, feeding, medical attention, etc etc etc. I just realised that it will be a massive task, where I will suddenly be responsible for another living being… And its freaking me out… So all those experienced pet lovers out there, please tell me what to do….

What makes you happy

2009-04-06T15:03:00.001+05:30

The other day, a friend of mine was sharing her experience of the first flight she took in her life. And in the course of the conversation, she said ‘nothing excites us any more Piya... We know we can afford most of the things these days, and for the stuff we can’t, we really don’t care for that much….’

It was a Saturday night and we were sitting at a popular pub in town… music blaring and beer flowing… We had just come out of a movie and I had also shopped to my hearts’ content… But I knew I was not that thrilled about it. I guess that’s why this comment got me thinking…

There was a time when going for a movie itself was a huge event. We planned and discussed and eagerly waited for the day, and discussed some more once it was over for hours… going to a pub of course was unheard of in college and even though a regular feature of work-life, the novelty of it all lasted for quite a bit…
Today of course things are different. Movies, pubs, shopping are like weekly activities… I often feel we are running out of activities that amuse us. I buy what I like and what I think I want, but usually the excitement for the newly obtained object lasts for precisely a day. Sex too is easy… then what is it that melts our hearts and fills it up with warmth?

I do remember that we are supposed to be generation x, and I guess gen y or z are already on their way. My school going niece (currently 12) wants a mobile phone because everyone else in her class has it. It had taken us barely two years to move one from our colour handsets to one with camera and now we are looking at touch phones. Walkmans are obsolete and ipods are in… Gadgets, designer clothes, cars… We have it all and we want more.
But coming back to the original question… What makes us happy? What makes you happy? What is it that fills you heart? Why are we not excited by most of the things around us? The last time I felt really really happy was the day I came back to Mumbai to be greeted by all my friends. I felt great for days… Over the years I have had very few moments which I remember and narrate to others… With time those occasions seem to be dwindling in number… Have I already reached a state where I can only reminisce about my past? Will this present have any meaning in future?

2009-04-02T16:34:00.000+05:30

Last evening I realized I may not be as impulsive as I think I am… I had to encounter something, and I was 100% sure I would react negatively to it. But surprise!!! Not only did I not react to it, I was surprisingly cool and ‘appropriate’. I guess I have finally mastered the art of discretion. Or perhaps because I realized it would be a short and smiled my way through it.

How do people react when they suddenly come across someone they don’t wish to interact with? One can always avoid them, pretending they never noticed. Or they can themselves move away, thus avoiding an awkward meeting. If there is no time to react (read escape) they either smile through it or behave rather rudely. Now I had all of the options mentioned above… and I just chose to be diplomatic (I must say it was neither pre-contemplated nor a natural reaction). I don’t know why and how I did what I did. But it did leave me with this thought… how many people do I know who I don’t want to cross paths with for the rest of my life? The list is surprisingly long…

1. Some of my batch mates from school and college
2. My math teacher from high school
3. My professor from graduation
4. Ex boyfriends
5. A couple of my past employers
6. Some of my relatives
7. One landlady
8. A few of my colleagues
9. My husband’s old employer

In fact, there are a few people in this list on whom I have dreamt of inflicting great pains… and if wishes were horses they would have all been rotting in hell by now… Or some medieval ghostly insects would be feeding on them. However, since that’s not happening, I guess I will have to do with the diplomacy and freedom of thought….

Fear Factor

2009-03-23T17:10:00.000+05:30

I am a coward. I am scared of a thousand different things, starting from lizards to snakes to fire to ghosts... I am scared of being run over by a bus while I cross the road.... I can never come down from an escalator because I am scared I will fall, and I am shit scared of staying alone in a house. In fact, there are so many things that frighten me all the time, that I often wonder how the hell am I surviving this scary world? The weird part is, I don't recall being scared of a lot of things in childhood... For example, I was never uncomfortable with heights as a child, or even a teenager. When I got that nut loose in my head is quite a mystery to me today. Similarly, I cant recall when and how I started fearing the prospect of staying alone at home. The phobea is so acute now that when my husband is away I either make a friend stay over or plonk myself at someone's place... This is the same me who has stayed alone, that too in funny places till about two years back.

However, I do know how I have developed my latest fear of travelling in cars. Last year we had an accident on the road, a head-on collision on a hilly area. Nothing happened to any one of us, expcept for the fact that now I start sweating and get extremely anxious when someone's driving above the speed of 50.

I usually find ways to deal with my problems... And avoidance has never been my game. But the fear factor is the one I am unable to deal with... I wish I knew what to do... Yes going to a therapist is definitely a very good option, but as of now I consider myself as functional. So I think there is still time for that. May be some of them will go away with time... And if they don't, I think I will go for some other way out...

Things to do before I die...

2009-02-09T14:33:00.004+05:30

I am all abput making lists. I make list of grocery, books, movies, and about things I need to do every day, or in the following week and so on... I watched 'Bucket list' a few months back, and while I did think it was a nice movie I guess I was touched a lot more by our own desi Dusvidaniya... I found it really sweet, very real, and at times extremely poignant and emotional...

For a long time I told myself I don't want a very long life... Thanks to a couple of friends and Hitch-hiker's guide, I decided I wanted to die at the age of 42. But then I got married... And now I want to live as long as I can with Pradeep.... He seems to have changed my entire outlook with one simple formula... His love for life and me.... While watching the movie I repeatedly felt very blessed/thankful that I met him and now we together... I guess its all about companionship... But all of us don't always find a good companion to share our pains with, right.... So I have started appreciating it a lot more....

I have made this 'Things to do before I die list' a couple of times earlier, I have it all revised now... Owing to the getting wiser bit I guess. Or the fact that now I have a person to share some of these dreams with... But here are a few things I wish to do before I finally kick the bucket... Pray for me that I manage to do at least a few...

1. Adopt a baby girl

2. Start something for the kids

3. Take our parents for a vacation somewhere exotic

4. Take up a small job somewhere and spend a couple of months. The job has to be for both of us

5. Learn atleast one other language

6. Start music lessons again

7. Adopt a couple of cats

8. Take a trip around the world

9. Become a certified scooba diver

10. Get a nice tatoo

2008-12-02T10:53:00.002+05:30

Too many thoughts in my head... Too many questions, too many comments, too many options... Life has suddenly become one too many...

I started working again... Like real work.... Not the 'home-based I dont have much to do' kind of work... Work that actually keeps me occupied for most part of the day... Which always means interactions with a bunch of other individuals... People who behave as parts of an organism popularly known as 'office politics'. And its time for me to figure out where I stand... And then express the same... Well honestly I care a damn... I am still upset about Mumbai... I am still angry and disgusted and so on... I have stopped watching news channels, because I am tired of the teary eyed Burkha Dutt showing us the curtain which acted as the make-shift ladder for the people to escape... I am tired of foriegners saying how they still think this country is safe and beautiful... Ofcourse it is... I dont need to be told that... I am not going anywhere, trust me...

I have been getting protest mails, sms-es pointing out the absence of Raj Thackrey, and reading many a blog of people who were actually there somewhere while this fiasco happened... Actually I don't even have a 'word' to describe what happened between 25th and 27th November... Its all still a blur...A real bad dream which I wish was not true... Anyways, the point is, that people have taken offence this time... Real offence... I don't know why it took all these years, but the people pf Mumbai have finally risen with the voice that they dont really believe in that 'spirit of Mumbai' bullshit... It was perhaps true during the riots, or the flood, or the number of blasts that scarred the city... But this time its different... I don't know if its the rare mix of the death of rich and poor alike that has created this havoc response... Or if its the random yet careful selection of locations, the shock of your own homes being ripped apart... The horror and finality... But people seem to have finally woken up...

Here's what I want to tell my fellow Mumbaikars... Please don't get up and portray 'resilience' or 'perseverance'. Hang the Mumbaikar spirit... Yes you should not be afraid... But you can mourn... And you can grieve... For this is that time when you let go of your controls... We all grieve with you...

2008-11-28T11:39:00.002+05:30

Mumbai has come in my blog a number of times... I have written about my feelings and experiences here, and god knows how much I love the city... How I consider Mumbai to be my second home... The city which gave me my identity, my friends, my husband and the four most wonderful years of my life.

Then yesterday morning I woke up with a call from a friend... Someone who knew about my ties with the city... She asked me to look... And I saw... I saw a bunch of men mutilating my city... Killing my people... burning my buildings... I watched and watched in horror as flames blew out of the Taj.... Grenades exploding in Oberoi and gunshots pierced through VT, Leopold, Colaba... I sat helpless trying to understand what is going on...

Since then we all have been waiting for this nightmare to end... And as the time passed by, we came across horror stories shared by friends and families who lost a part of them, who are being held hostage for the last 35 hours...

I have been crying... I cant explain the pain I feel right now... Yes I was lucky that my friends having dinner at Colaba escaped, my cousin at VT left just in time.... My other family and friends never went to south bombay on wednesday. But so many others were not so lucky. My city was not so lucky. And I want to know why... Yesterday I saw a man saying he wants to wait and watch the deadbodies of the terrorists coming out of Taj... Because they have dared to touch Mumbai... And I feel the same way. I heard one of the men have been captured. All I could think was that if I had a gun I would have blown his head off right there...

I dont want to know who these people were. I dont want to know where they came from and what is it that they wanted out of this. All I want to know is that what is it that drove these men to walk in on innocent people and shoot at them. If this was a religious retaliation, they could not have avoided killing their own men. If it was for revenge, who are they seeking it from? I keep hearing all this was well planned... Ofcourse it was... Otherwise how could they kill four top police officers in a matter of one night? They knew who their target was. They knew who kill and where to kill. And they did...

They are saying this is the worst terrorist attack India has seen. It was the worst one for America on 9/11. It would be worst for some other country some other day... And I want to know for how long... If you really want to rule the world, why not drop a few nuclear bombs on us? Finish us all and then you can rule... That ways you will save a lot of time... Why do you keep coming into my home and hurting us one by one? How long do you think the fear factor will work?

Weight pain

2008-07-08T21:39:00.005+05:30

Ten years back, I weighed 42kgs. Five years back I was 54kgs. Today I am 69kgs. For those who have known me all these years, I am sure it is a shocker.... Trust me, the growing waistband, fuller face and hips have left me quite surprised as well... I started with denial, moved to arrogance, irritability, downright heartache and finally resignation.... When I meet my friends from school or college, they all, usually as politely as possible, mention that I have gained a lot of weight... And I do the head bob routine in answer...

Does it bother me that I no longer fit into my favourite clothes? Does it bother me to see other people around me looking trim and fit, sporting trendy attires while I struggle with my ever expanding tummy? Honestly, it still does. But perhaps not as much as it used to be... And this is huge... Why? Well, it happens to be the essence of my weight loss regime...

I have read a thousand articles, sat through talk shows on TV, spoken to friends, doctors, and god knows who else. Of course, each one had their own take on the topic of weight loss... I was recommended diets, strict exercise routines, pills, and a whole gamete of advice as to "what really works"....

I followed some, chucked the others, but with minimal success. I often ended up feeling extremely unhappy because I would have failed to follow the diet (rice, potatoes and sweets happen to be staple diet). It was only after I got married that my husband pointed out that I have started obsessing about losing weight, and growing progressively unhappy in life. So this is what he had to offer: Don't be hyper about your weight. You should be careful about being fit, thats all.... Don't stop yourself from eating things you like.... And there is absolutely no need to spend boring hours in a gym, feeling terrible about yourself. We all need physical exercise... So do you like doing... Go play a game you like once a week... or swim... or walk.... Don't be too hard on yourself...

And guess what...That actually worked :) I have been swimming, and I feel good... The flabs are still there, but I don't care... I can see I am getting fitter.... I do a lot more laps in the pool now... And I tire less frequently... I feel good about myself... And I have actually started to lose weight!!!!

So here's the bottom line... All those who are getting worked up about weight loss or gain... Just drop it... Obsess about being healthy, not slimmer or fuller.... Eat what you like, do what you like... But just feel happy... Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters... Your body is not for experimentation.... Your body is for you to enjoy... So be good to it darlings...

Freestyle

2008-06-26T11:46:00.003+05:30

I fell in love with swimming as a child... I was about 10 or 12 when my parents took my brother and me to a swimming club nearby, and that is how it all started. I have very fond memories of jumping into the pool, splashing all over, playing with the other kids, and before long I was actually swimming by myself in the 20 ft deep lake next door....

Over the years I have tried to swim whenever I could. Of course, it never really happened on a regular basis, till I landed up in Bangalore and found this really cute pool nearby. I have tried swimming regularly ever since, till day before, when someone came and spoilt it all.

I had just come out of the shower and was walking towards the pool when I heard a mother telling her son to pay attention to the instructor. Normally, I would not have cared, but this was someone speaking my mother tongue, which is not that common in this part of the country... I would have still ignored her, but she had taken over a side of the pool, screaming constantly at her son, trying to make sure he is his lesson seriously. I also heard her telling the instructor that he needs to scold the boy... Otherwise he wont listen....

After about fifteen minutes of non-stop instructions, the mother finally decided to get down to action herself. She got into the pool, caught her son, and tried to teach him herself. The kid, about 5-6 years old, is more interested in playing with the other kids in the pool, who were having a good time playing with a ball on the kiddie-side of the pool after their lesson. While the son kept pleading the mother to let him play, she kept pushing him to demonstrate his skills to her. She was determined to correct all his flaws in the next ten minutes.

This struggle went on for the next half an hour... The mother-son duo took over a side of the pool (much to the inconvenience of the other swimmers). Since most of their dialogue continued in my mother tongue, I had no option but to hear it all... (In my defense, its just a 25 mts. long pool. How far could I have gone?) The son was required to swim back and forth, with the mother following. She kept telling him he was not doing it right. And the poor child kept trying. Every few minutes he will ask if he could play for a bit. The mother continued to criticize his skills, telling him "You are not doing it right". While he is trying, the mother kept instructing him...
" Head down, roll your hands, blow bubbles... etc etc"

The son got bored in a while, and tried to get away as many times as he could. In the end it started getting ugly, when the mother, after trying cajoling, scolding, fear of punishment in vain was about to hit the child. Thankfully, she finally gave up, and decided to concentrate on her own swimming, and that is when I realized what the problem was. Our lady here has no idea how to swim... She needs help, ASAP!!! I guess the pool lost quite a bit of water thanks to all the thrashing....

Thanks to this show of 'good parenting', by this time I had lost all interest and pleasure of swimming, and decided to get out of there. But I couldn't take that kid and the mother out of my head.... I am no expert in child raring, but what I saw didn't seem right. It just broke my heart.... Why are parents hell bent on turning their failures into their child's success? How can they turn a pleasurable activity into a boring and unpleasant experience for a child? Have they forgotten how their own childhood used to be? I don't think this child will ever like swimming they way I liked it... Simply because I was left to my own devices... My mother was not standing on my head making sure I 'perform'. Unfortunately, 'performance' appears to be THE buzz word of the century.... Everybody wants to make their child some sort of a talented genius. My friend's 3 year old toddler is required to speak in English in kindergarten... I heard of another parent who is planning to send her 5 year old for piano lessons and horse-back riding.... Another one is sending her 2 year old to school right away.... I honestly don't understand this.... I always thought children had the freedom to do things they want to.... Looks like we are all set to turn them into responsible adults the day they are born....

Global Chilling

2008-02-06T16:54:00.000+05:30

After living in this city for almost four years, I, like many others, faced the rather unpleasant surprise of experiencing a chilly Mumbai. The city is actually cold these days, with the wind piercing through my bones when I am travelling or walking through an open space. I believe the temperatures have gone down up to 11 degrees over the last one month... And it’s not been a single day phenomenon.... And its not only Mumbai... A number of cities (except poor Chennai I guess) have been a victim of this untimely cold waves...

This has been a rather depressing time for all the Mumbaikars. The city has not only turned cold for us, a few people are actually threatening the existance of the large population of migrants... I could not help but wonder, if Mumbai today was cleaned of all the outsiders (bengalies, norh indians, south indian, sikhs... every non-marathi that is), what would happen. For one thing, the city would be much less crowded. But will the cabs and the autos run? Will we get roadside chats, kebabs, sandwiches and Chinese food? Who will do your domestic work? Who will do the construction work? Who will clean the buildings? Who will sell the thousands of essential items around the corner?

Why is this city becoming such a cold cold place? What is with this growing intolerance and hostility towards fellow human beings? Why do I have to feel unwelcome in some part of my own country? And why should some fellow countrymen be mistreated because they look different or speak a different language? Are we really justified in insisting that in order to file a police complaint I need to be able to speak the local language? Is it essential that the public transport have destinations and numbers written in the local language? How will changing the names of cities help in retaining their ‘identities’? Why are we so insecure about our vernacular film industry that we take the drastic step of banning all other language movies in our theatres?

I do not have the answers for this. And something tells me that the propagators of this mass hatred and foolishness don’t have it either. I do believe that this problem too has a solution. And as always, it is in our hands only. The next time someone tries to bully me or someone aorund mebecause I am supposedly an 'outsider' to myown country, I have pledged not to take it lying down. Such an act requires fervent protest from any sane mind. And I shall do my part.

Writing

2008-02-06T13:07:00.000+05:30

Over the past couple of months, I have been toying with the idea of initiating some serious creative writing... As a kid, I used to often write what is called 'chhoda' in bengali... Small rhymes I guess is the best way to describe that... The closest I have ever come to writing a prose has always been the essays that we had to write for homework. I used to always chose the more 'personal' topic... Could never rely on my general knowledge to pull of an informative one you see. I guess I also once tried to write a crime novel for kids when I was 10... That one never saw the light of day after about five pages...

So now I have started feeling the need to write some prose again... May be a little story... Just to see if I have the capability of building a plot, building charecters and dialogues and narratives around it, and turn into a pleasent read.... One of the reasons I started writing this blog was also that... I wanted to figure out the nature of my writing... And of course, much to my dismay, I realised that is quite erratic, just like myself....

I was having a chat with someone who had recently started the serious writing practice for herself. She was telling me how she things blogs are not perhaps the best way to explore one's ability to write meaningful/creative/imaginative prose... While she sited a number of examples where bloggers have moved to become authors, she also mentioned that the quality of their work has not necessarily translated into something beyond ordinary. She said that most of the times we end up restraining ourselves while writing on the public domain, thus stiffling the creativity itch that would have prompted us to write in the beginning. And then it struck me... This is perhaps the best explanation of my never-ending writer's block... I have complained to myself and on this domain a million times that not only do I often face the block when I try writing here, I also often feel that the content is lousy... I have felt that the end product of my attempt has been of rather poor quality, poor sontent, and ofcourse, quite borning. There are times when I look at some entries and cringe... God knows what i was thinking when I wrote them...

It is not possible for a lot of us to pour our hearts out to strangers. It is a ctually a scary thought that my darkest thoughts are being published in a webpage... Easily accessible by anybody and everybody... So I guess I will revert back to my old habit of maintaining my journal... Like I read somewhere, there is already enough crap in the literary world, dont add more to it... So I have decided to keep my crap to myself...

Cullinery Delights

2008-01-29T15:28:00.000+05:30

Food makes me happy…. Food is my anti-depressant, my means of celebration, my eternal support. I live to eat… I can’t ever get enough when it comes to food… I am not ashamed of admitting my addiction to food. I believe one can only enjoy food when it has pleased all your senses. Well its actually common sense… You can never resist food that looks delicious, with an aroma that turns you on, which melts in your mouth and tastes like the best thing you have ever had….

My craving for food changes with my mood… Coffee and pakora on a rainy day, mashed potatoes and roasted chicken to boost up my morals, creamy chocolate cakes to celebrate, or simple daal chawal for comfort.

Incidentally, I also enjoy cooking. I learnt to cook completely by the use of common sense and memory. Growing up, I had watched my mother cook everyday. And when I myself started cooking, I found myself doing what she does. Of course, I am not as good as her… Not yet… But like my husband often remarks, I am unbelievably confident about my cooking. You will always hear me saying, oh I make great pulav, or chicken, or mutton, or garlic bread and pasta … So you can imagine the unpleasant surprise I had to bear not once but repeatedly when I goofed up again and again while trying to cook for my in-laws. Yes, it also creates performance anxiety for me.

I guess comparing cooking to performing arts is quite cliché… But that’s how I have always found the exercise of cooking to be… A piece of art brought together painstakingly… It requires tremendous patience, an eye for details, and the courage to walk off the beaten path… What can be more inspiring than creating art which is also edible?

When it comes to cooking, I enjoy the entire process immensely. I have often used it to relax at the end of an exceptional tiring day, or as a source of utmost pleasure in an unbelievably dull time … I find it fascinating as I witness completely unrelated things being concocted into a tasty meal in a matter of a few minutes or hours…. The sight of chicken curry shimmering on the stove, the smell of ghee in peas pulav, the feel of fish fillets as I marinate them for frying… The entire process, right from gathering the ingredients, preparing them, watching over the pot while they blend, fretting over the concoction till the time it is served, is ritualistic for me. And once served, the aroma of spices, the sheer sight of colours starts creating havoc in my brain…. And its time to let loose… And finally, when I have served it, watching my blissful audience lick their fingers gives me that high… yes, nothing pleases me more than to serve or to be served with some mouth watering cuisine on a platter…

Gibberish

2008-01-21T17:42:00.000+05:30

I started my day with this hopelessly happy feeling... I was feeling very warm inside... Happy... content.... and generally in a mood I would like to find myself in everyday.... I hardly noticed the horrible traffic and sung my way to work....

Work, however, has become awfully boring these days.... I have been having a rather hard time to concentrate for more than a few moments... leave alone being productive.... Have not demonstrated an iota of productivity over the last couple of weeks I guess.... Ridiculous I say :( Infact it is so annoying that I want to flush it out of my system... This boredom is killing me... And I have stopped asking myself the question whether this is what I want to do in life... Well I dont...ofcourse... And its a pity that the ppl are sooo nice here.... This had been the best work environment that I have experienced so far....

But I am ready to get the hell out of here... I am ready to go to the next 'new' place and start the 'new' life.... And that is how I have proved yet again i have severe attention deficiency syndrome... Will this ever leave me... Kinda hard to not be yourself, right?

Things bore me so easily that these days I am scared of starting anything new... I think I need a proper break from mundane things... I mean jobs.... I wont get paid at the end of the month... And that is a concern... But I really want to do something else... Like really really different.... I told my husband I want to write a book... He thought I was joking :( I told my mom I want to just stay home and be the model 'home-maker'... She laughed... So if anyone has any idea abt some fun stuff that they want to do, pls share with me... God's blessing shall be showered on you........

Memoires of an almost perfect honeymoon: Chapter One

2008-01-04T15:36:00.000+05:30

Lost and found: Kuala Lumpur

No matter how much I love travelling, I always get a panic attack whenever I am travelling somewhere. I always catch myself checking the umpteenth time whether I have booked the right tickets, whether I have the necessary paperwork, whether I have switched off the geyser and the gas, whether I have locked all the doors, whether I am carrying all the necessary items and enough clothes… The list continues.

Ofcourse, all this planning never ensures a 100% success rate. Infact, I often find that I plan and plan and plan, but never plan enough time to actually execute all of it. Result: chaos and more panic.
This time too, I was quite nervous about every small thing that I could think of. But apart from forgetting to switch off the lights at home, I don’t think there were much goof-ups that happened. We reached the airport on time, only to find out that our airlines counter hasn’t even opened. We got good seats, changed our money, declared the valuables at customs and got onto the flight. A rather friendly crew greeted us and ensured that our journey was comfortable. I, however, being the fidgety self, hated the length of the journey… It was just five hours, but it seemed a lifetime before we finally landed at Kuala Lumpur.

It was perhaps the biggest airport I have ever seen. While my husband was happily soaking in the excitement and funfair at the airport, I started getting panicky again, this time about finding our way to the baggage claim and immigration. As a result, I never managed to enjoy the airo-train ride to the other terminus, or the festive decorations that adorned the airport.

Immigration turned out to be a smooth affair, and we moved on for baggage claim. We had already heard about taking KLIA express into the city, so I hurriedly bought the tickets… By then the conveyer belt had started spewing the bags…. And much to my disappointment, one of our bags was missing. We waited and waited and waited for the bag to come, and finally my surprisingly calm husband went ahead to speak to the airport crew. We were directed to the Lost and Found Department, where some very cordial officials came to our aid. The place was very comfortable, and people came in and went out with their luggage. I waited for a miracle, where someone would bring out the bag and say hey, we were just kidding… Here you go…

Ofcourse, miracles don’t happen… They took down our details, the bag’s description, and gave us a receipt. They also informed us that most likely another passenger would have taken our bag by mistake. They would try to track the person, ask him to return the bag, and deliver the same to us at our hotel.

My heart broke… This was supposed to be my perfect honeymoon… And look what happened!!!! My husband, ofcourse, continued to remain absolutely calm. The bag had his clothes… And he kept joking that this is his opportunity to redo his wardrobe…

On our way to the hotel in that awesome train, I continued to remain glum, while he tried to show me the brighter side of the situation… If you ask me, the brighter side is that I married him… had there been someone as emotional as me, we would have both been crying our way into the city…

Upon reaching the hotel, we narrated the saga to the receptionist, trying to explain to him that the airport authorities would be delivering our bag. And he says, “One of our guests brought in a wrong bag from the airport. Let me call them and check. May be its yours” You can imagine how my excitement rose as soon as he spoke… We both started at the elevator till the time it opened and two men walked out, pulling behind… Behold… OUR FREAKING BAG!!!!

I don’t remember dancing, but I do remember the stupid grin on my face… I completely forgot to scream at the man for being stupid enough to take our bag which had our name on the tag… I was so excited that I almost pushed my hubby to go to the airport with them and bring the bag back… (The rule is that if you take someone else’s bag, you need to return it to take back your own). My sane husband obviously realized what a bad idea that was, given the fact that it was late in the night and the airport was so far away… However, he did manage to send the bag-lifters back to the airport….

The very next day, the airport authorities delivered our bag at the hotel… It was a public holiday, but I believe that’s how responsible they are… Quodos to the airport authorities in Malaysia…..

Choices

2007-10-24T14:13:00.001+05:30

Are you someone who lives your life on your own terms? Or atleast you think you do? Have you ever thought how that really works? Living life in your own accord I mean...

I have been observing something for a while now, and I have realised, much to my discomfort and dismay, that most of us live our lives based on decisions that are hardly our own...

How many times have you heard or seen women who have been very sharp/smart girls in college... Who had the ambition of a successful corporate career... You know she will rise very quickly up the ladder the minute she joins a job. She gets married, and has to leave her job because it became impossible to run the house while she managed a full-time job. Her family thought since her husband is doing so well she need not bother earning. She should pursue higher causes... such as starting the family, to which she reluctantly agreed. Result? That smartest girl from class is very busy running a full household with the baby and the husband. Her career goals, very predictably, have gone into oblivion...

How many of you have known woman who get married and get pregnant immediately. Usually the common reason turns out to be that the family members believe that its for the best. A lot of these women end up having to quit their jobs because it becomes too much for them to handle... New family, new relationships, plus the responsibility of a fragile life.

It is not that these people are unhappy. It is not that they are having to do things completely against their will. If you see them, you will know they are definitely happy... Its just that they realised where the expectations lay, and adapted themselves accordingly. We all do that... At home, at work, in our relationships... But after seeing an overwhelming number of women around me continuously doing this, I started to wonder. Do men have to adapt as much as women do? I know of men who have given up their jobs and stayed home looking after baby since their wives wanted to work. Or of men who have moved cities because the wife got a transfer/new job. But these examples are few and far between...

I am not a feminist. The reason I am saying it out aloud is because I wish to explain my stand. I am an egalitarian. I believe in equality. And in my interpretation, feminism falls a little ahead of that in the spectrum. Anyways, the point is that these instances have disturbed me to a great extent. Now I know you are thinking 'how naive'... Yes, I admit that it may be naive to suddenly wake up and see this. But atleast I acknowledge seeing it... I am amazed by the skewed distribution when it comes to adjustments that are made by a woman compared to a man, especially within the definition of marriage. Somewhere the identity of a woman gets entangled with the man's, gets diluted and eventually vanishes.... And the scary thought is that the whole adjustment part is done so naturally that often the person concerned doesn't even stop to think again... Its imbibed in our value systems... In our up-bringing...

I dont think it is wrong to take care of those around you. I dont think its wrong to prioritise your family over your career... I just think its wrong for people to expect you will do it. I think its wrong for people to assume that its your duty to have babies and not aspire for something that you care for... And I have a HUGE problem with those who immediately judge for saying you want to live your life according to your free will. Because what they fail to understand is that anything that is forced upon someone is bound to fail... And they also fail to respect the person's judgement call for important choices that they need to make....

As the clock strikes two

2007-10-24T14:13:00.000+05:30

As the clock strikes two every afternoon, my world comes to a standstill... I would be staring into the computer screen, or sitting in a meeting... And then, just like cinderalla, I tranform into sleeping beauty from dancing queen....

Slowly, my brain goes numb, my eyes become watery, and one giant yawn follows the other.... No matter what I am doing, sleep always manages to find its way into my head... I can feel the heaviness in the head and in my eyes... I try to stay up... I try to fight this feeling... But it always comes back with full force... My eyelids slowly and heavily head towards the downfall....

I find myself wishing for a soft bed, a softer pillow to hug, and a rug to cover myself... I dream of falling into a deep sleep.... Peaceful... happy sleep...

But ofcourse, as soon I doze into this happy thought, I jerk back to reality... Stealing glances at my co-workers... Hoping no one noticed me dozing off in my chair.... And by default, the boss-man would be passing by my cubicle right at that momnet. As if, he knew he could catch me red-handed....

Life oh life

2007-10-18T15:27:00.000+05:30

Apologies for the prolonged silence. But I have reasons for the same, as usual. As life continues to be a roller-costar ride, I had finally let go. And I have to admit, I have been enjoying it thoroughly…
So where should I start? I guess the last week was my life in full blast… I lost my job Tuesday morning, much to my unpleasant surprise (I always wanted to quit on Monday morning, and this of course was a complete anti-climax). Thankfully, the job was not something I was actually enjoying, so it was what my mother would have described as a ‘blessing in disguise’…

After brooding over the unexpected unemployed status for a day, I decided that all this was an indicator from the Higher Power that I was meant to do something more meaningful. So I should spend time thinking about my future, exploring my options, and basically take it easy for the next few days. Of course all this pragmatism came only and only because of those around me…. I was amazed, touched and thrilled at the sheer support I got from everybody…. Especially my friends in this city… And I realized, once again, that I am a rather lucky idiot to have landed up with such beautiful souls around me…

Anyways, the very next day another guardian angel landed up at my doorstep with an offer I found hard to believe. Yes, you guessed it… He had a job offer… Something very different in terms of my employment context and history… But an offer nonetheless… Of doing something productive for a change… I was thrilled once again… And decided to take it up….

Boy am I glad about that decision… I have started travelling to a different part of the city… A very unique piece that the city has to offer… I was truly taken by surprise when I found myself driven into the locality. I walked into this nice big building that had a plush look. The elevators here are huge and very fast, showing time and date to those who care to look up. I couldn’t help remembering the elevator in my last job. It barely held two people, with the third person having to squeeze in hoping his/her butt doesn’t get squished by the gates. And then there a vigilant security guard who thought those working in that building did not have the right to step into the elevator. So he would always chase you out of the vicinity.

As I walked into the office, I couldn’t resist a smile. It looked like a real office!!!! Now you must be wondering why on earth am I going ga-ga over a stupid office space. But trust me, after having worked out of apartments for the most part of my life, this was a much welcome change.

So almost a week now I have been working in a ‘real’ corporate office. And surprisingly, I realized I do seem to have some skill sets which are compatible with the ‘for-profit’ sector. Now comes the biggest question… Am I willing to give up what I always knew I was meant to do? Am I ready to tread a different path where my heart does not lie? Honestly, the answer is no… All this wonders of the corporate world is perhaps the best indicator for me… I need to back where I belong… This is not my place… Not here, not now…. Not ever….

2007-08-15T20:30:00.000+05:30

Diamonds…. the global status symbol….. always for the rich and the famous. The ‘rare’ stone has had a big fan following over the years. And now, they seem to have found a way into our lives too…

Every other day you will find a new company launching a range of diamond jewellery at ‘affordable’ prices, accompanied with the tacky one-liners that say how it is the only way to express your true emotions for your lady love. And of course there are a number of elegant female celebrities endorsing the diamonds and the beautiful, royal, chic design, saying to you how diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

To tell you the truth, I myself was pretty fond of the lovely stone… I thought that the man who loves me should be able to give me a diamond ring… Come on, I mean, don’t I deserve it? Isn’t it amazing to show someone the ring and say “Here, I got engaged!!!”

The other day I was chatting with a friend, and she was talking about her personal experiences in the diamond mine zones of South Africa. She was mentioning that since the prices of diamond are fixed in the global market, one of the ways that the companies earn profit is by keeping the wage rates to the bare minimum. She also mentioned that the single reason for the increased prevalence of HIV/AIDS in this region could be accounted to the growing migrant labour population who worked at these mines.

So here’s my question to myself… how important is this piece of stone in my life? They say a diamond is forever. Yes, they are… Just like my books, my music, my favourite friend, my family and my love for the one person I wish to spend my entire life with… Aren’t diamonds the commonest stone that I see almost every other person wearing? How important is it for me to own that one huge stone? Does the size of the stone really portray how much that person loves me? Isn’t love priceless, or is it comparable to the price of a stone which came out tainted with the blood and sweat of a fellow human being….

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-17T15:28:00.000+05:30

I should be working but I am bored
I should be saving but I am broke
I should be cleaning but I am tired
I should be loving but I am lost...

I am confusion personified!!!!

When I was jobless, I couldnt wait to get into a job. Now that I have a job that not only promises regular pay but also decent work, I find myself bored to death... I am very angry with someone I love, but I feel like calling up and apologising, just so that we can start talking again... All my friends are going on this trip I have dreamed of for years now, and I am not going... Right now I want to go home and crash. But I know for sure the minute I step out of work I would want to go do something 'fun' instead... GOD help me!!!!

2007-07-10T15:28:00.000+05:30

I have been feeling miserable ever since I have realized I haven’t written anything substantial in ages :( And it’s all because of my eternal laziness. So today I have chosen to attack this highly flawed logic of mine and write again…

Recently I went back to some place I have been avoiding for years now. And on my way I kept wondering if there is any prescription for dealing with your fears, breaking your comfort zones. You know, the painful things made easy kind of stuff… And I realized, perhaps for the umpteenth time, that there can never be an easy way out… If it’s too easy, it is definitely not solving the problem… It’s like those sauna belts which claim to reduce inches from your tummy while you take a nap… If it was that easy, half the world would have been wearing them all the time… They wouldn’t have been doing 100 crunches in a gym, in front of perfectly toned up trainers who look at your bulging tummy with great contempt…

The thing is, in the end, you have to stand up and face the reality… If you are fat, and you don’t like it, you have got to run. If you are scared of being alone in the night, you need to stop lighting that bulb and try to ask yourself whether a ghost can actually kill you. After all, not everyday you hear about ghost murderers, right? Better still, go to a therapist…

I, ofcourse, have all these issues. And ofcourse, I have always tried to take the easy way out… But with passing years, I have realized that it doesn’t really help. Perhaps that is why I forced myself to make that trip. And I was amazed at how simple it really was… No one tore me into pieces, nothing was remotely unpleasant. If anything, I guess we did manage to bridge a gap with little effort. I guess sometimes we completely underestimate fellow human beings… Or we get so entangled into our own emotional drama, that we don’t recognize the simplicity of the matter…

So point of the story? Simple again… Get out of your comfort zone… You will be a whole new person… And you will love yourself a lot more :)

Updates

2007-07-06T16:03:00.000+05:30

Have been wanting to write for a while now. Had all the time in life a month back when I was jobless. But that is the time when I am my laziest best :D Also, I was facing the infamous 'writer's block', which made things more difficult.

However, this boring Friday afternoon has finally managed to break that spell, so here I go:

New things in my life:

1. Quitting my old job :)
2. Moving to Mumbai :)
3. Staying in Bandra :) as a PG :(
4. Starting the new job :) in Bandra only :) :)
5. Finding reference to my blog in some random website. This is how they describe it: "This is a Personal blog written by Piyashree and its about Jodhpur fort,People,Life,Summer and more." (Ha ha ha ho ho ho hee hee hee)

I guess thats a lot of new things for just a couple of months... But I can always do with some more :)

2007-05-29T17:50:00.000+05:30

I met this little boy in the Jodhpur fort. He performs with his father in one of the fort alleys through the day. He seems to have been trained well, because he would dance with the tune whenever there are tourists around. He would be dancing, and even singing along when he pleases... But he wont be distracted by the attention he is getting from those around him.

This child showed no interest in the curious tourists who kept clicking him... At the end of the performance he would go to them and ask for money. We offered him a chocolate. He took it, went to his father and dropped it at his feet. He came back to us and said "paise?"

Its perhaps not the first time when you would have seen a performance like this. It is one of the commonest sights in this country. Its just that the apparent lack of any child-like traits in this child that disturbed me a lot....

2007-05-22T12:44:00.001+05:30

Yes, my life has come to a full circle... Yesterday I found myself walking around Hill road, navigating through the dug-up patches. And the sense of deja-vu was so strong that for a moment I thought I have travelled back in time.

About 3 yrs ago, I had landed in Mumbai in search of a new begining. I was extremely excited at the prospect of living in this city once more... The city which had given me the mixed taste of freedom, power and responsibilities.

I have always loved this city, especially the spirit of Mumbai... I have always found great friends here, unexpected kindness from people, and a lot of warmth... Lets hope this time around the city lives up to its promises again...

2007-05-08T14:15:00.000+05:30

So the countdown has begun. I am all set to wrap up my life into my suitcases, a backpack and a couple of cartons and get out of this city. Its funny how easy a task that seems, given the fact that I have done this about a thousands times in the past. But is it that easy to wrap up your experiences in neat little bundles? And even if it is, how many of those bundles should you really carry around?

2007-05-08T14:06:00.000+05:30

"Balance"

2007-05-05T16:34:00.000+05:30

"Reflections"

Photograph Courtsey: Mr. Inamdar

Afternoon musings

2007-05-05T16:10:00.000+05:30

Its one of those hot summer afternoons when you do not feel like moving even a finger. You want to turn into a sloth and vegetate in some water body. But here I am, sitting in my office, trying to decipher some illegible script and entering some life-altering hardcore 'qualitative data'....

My office is supposedly air conditioned. But I guess after coming in the Blue Star people will remove their ad... This one freezes just one person... the one sitting directly underneath. The rest of us are supposed to fend for ourselves....

My colleagues, all looking very busy, are perhaps in a similar state of irritation. How else can you defend the msgr. chats that are happening across desks which are literally on each other? Yesterday, I actually got caught talking to the girl in the next desk on yahoo. But no one seemed to be surprised. I guess they must have found it funny that someone cared enough to point out I was upto something 'no good'!!!

My laptop is so hot that I cant rest my hands on it. I get cold water from the fridge and it turns luceworm in 3 minutes. My diet coke ofcourse tastes like piss after the first 3 sips.... The earphones are also getting hot... This afternoon is slowly beginning to feel hellish... So all I can do is sit and hope there would another batch of evening showers to soothe my scortched soul...

Make-over

2007-04-24T12:05:00.000+05:30

A few days back I looked at my blog, and felt quite ashamed of myself. I apparently had some ten posts over the last one year :( And here I was, proudly displaying the link to everybody in this world... And this is especially sad because this last one year had been extremely eventful... Many of the experiences were novel, extremely delightful, or introspective....I found new places to go to, and new elements in me which I was unaware of... Looking back, I feel amazed at the fact that I didnt ever feel the need to sit and write about any of those...

My hyperactive self refused to take this longer. So here I am, trying to give this virtual space of mine a make-over. Armed with my gadget, I have been trying to capture many moments that I want to share here... I have also been a little more regular with penning down my thoughts.. I have to admit that adorning this virtual me was quite interesting... You have so many options to choose from.... how you wish to display your appearance in public... Its like this mask that you can craft for yourself.... But then again, thats a different course of thought... As of now, let me display my thoughts while I remain hidden behind my mask...

Dissociation

2007-04-18T10:40:00.000+05:30

This has been happening to me for the past couple of weeks. I would be in the middle of something... a party, a gathering, in a car, in the street... and I would find myself completely dissociated from my surroundings. It is like, I suddenly wont hear the noise anymore, and also perhaps loose my vision of whats going on... It feels like I am walking around inside an air bubble and I am completely cut off from the rest of the world.

Although it did freak me out in the beginning, the third of fourth time I found myself enjoying it.... It is like being under water when you dont hear anything and your vision is blurred... It is like a dream, when you cant really hear what the other person is saying, but you know... And you are left to yourslef as to how you want to interprete the incidents around you at that point of time....

Incidents such as this one also tends to question your sanity. But then, when have I ever pleaded sanity of mind? So this time around, I am all set to enjoy this expereince as many times as they occur...

2007-04-12T22:56:00.000+05:30

What can be more welcoming than a shade in a hot sunny afternoon. And especially if it like this...

Was in a village in AP yesterday. As I was walking past the fields, I found one of my team members sitting under a tree interviewing a lady. The summer sun was getting more unbearable by the minute, so I decided to join them for a little while. And as I walked up to the spot, I was taken aback by the beauty of the spot... It was as if the tree was welcoming the passerby with a bed of flowers to sit and rest.... The tree showered me with its flowers as long as I stayed there....

I guess there are very few moments for the dwellers of the city pent to experience the beauty of nature. This definitely was one of those rare occasions....

2007-04-12T22:54:00.000+05:30

2007-04-12T22:53:00.000+05:30

2007-04-12T22:39:00.000+05:30

2007-04-03T20:44:00.000+05:30

Thats the Chowmahalla Palace in Hyderabad. Situated near Charminar, this palace was supposedly the retreat for the Nizam. Recently opened for public viewing, Times of India utilised the venue well for one of the most memorable concerts of my life.

I think the day itself was special. I had come out of office on the pretext of a depressing medical appointment, and found myself brooding over my miserable life, when this friend called to say she did manage to get the passes for us to attend a sarod recital in the old city. And what I experienced was quite unmatched to my expectations.

Sarod by none other than Ustad Amjad Ali Khan and his sons... Yes, I was prepared for the music. But it was the venue which took my breath away. As you walk in through the doors, a plush green courtyrad welcomes you... surrounded by the palace walls on all sides, and a glorius fountain in the middle.

Whether it was the maestro's brilliant performance, or the moonlight, or the chimes of the clock in the corner or the occasional evening namaz breezing in.... I found myself in a trance.... And I wish the evening never ended....

2006-12-28T15:40:00.000+05:30

About a year back, one pleasant winter afternoon, I found myself outside the Hyderabad airport looking for a cab. My eyes were still wet (have been sobbing throughout the two-hour flight much to the discomfort to my fellow passengers I guess) and I found myself led to the taxi stand. I was supposed to report at my new office, a job I honestly had very vague idea about. But what the heck…. am I not the kind who is excited about bungee jumping?

I explained him the address, and made my customary phone call to my parents (the dutiful daughter that I am) to inform them about my safe arrival. The cabby asked me to hurry up with the call. So I reluctantly hopped in, secretly wanting to turn around and catch the next flight home.

The cabby took me through the streets of what I call the ‘hybrid’ city of Hyderabad. As I passed the Tank Bund road, I looked out of the window, and saw these cute seats on the sidewalk, sparsely populated with couples of all generations. It was a familiar sight…. Back home I have passed the lake near my house millions of times, watching couples of all ages sitting on the little seats, attempting an inconspicuous conversation behind an umbrella.

I reached my destination in what I thought to be record time, much to my discomfort. I was counting on a longish journey, which I thought would cool my nerves. But alas, that was not the case. I soon found myself walking into a hybrid apartment (it didn’t look anything like the traditional high-rises, more of a house actually) which was to double up as my workplace and shack for the next couple of weeks.

It took me a while to get used to my new bedroom, my desk at work, my neighbourhood, the food..... the usual routine that you follow when you relocate. And having done this more than once, I have to admit, I was not prepared for the experience I had here. Before I knew it, I had blended into the city life, and the process appeared to be seamless. I had been to the city at least a couple of times before that, but those visits were personal, essentially for a very short period. I had never interacted with the city on my own till that day a year back. When I look back at that first day of mine in Hyderabad, it did not show me the day… it remained yet another mundane addition to the already existent 3.6 million cosmopolitan crowd. It is now, after spending almost 365 days in this city, that I realise in awe the appeal of the city and the spirit of those who reside here.

2006-12-28T12:54:00.000+05:30

Grey

2006-11-28T16:25:00.000+05:30

My life revolves around a great number of people. People I spend time with, work with, or pass by on a crowded street on my way somewhere. People I care for dearly, and people who have no apparent connection with me......Each day, I find myself responding to a number of individuals in various situaltions, just like everybody else around me.

I often wonder, how many of us are aware of our true blueprint? Do we know how we respond to the variety of affairs life throws at us? Are all the reactions justifiable? Do we even sit back and think about how our actions, words, gestures impact those around us? No matter how small they are?

In the past few weeks, I have experienced great pain. And it is this pain that showed me the true colour of life : an amazing mixture of several traits, patterns, and colours in the form of 'people'.I believe, every individual is a product of opposite elements: wrong and right, black and white, good and evil, laughter and tears. Most of the times, the thin line between these opposite elements get blurred within each one of us. And the colour of life becomes grey.... simply portraying the essential mixture of all elements that it is made of....

2006-09-30T16:18:00.000+05:30

Just when you start believing that your life is finally on track, something unexpected is thrown at you, and you are swept away. I have experienced it too many times over the past couple of decades of my existance to ignore it. To me, thats the beauty of life. As I open my eyes every morning, I eagerly wait for the new set of surprises that would be there awaiting me. And most of the times I have not been disappointed.

However, when those surprises are not that pleasant, I start feeling rather let down. For example, this trip of mine in Mumbai. As always, I landed in the city with a bundle of anticipation. I always look forward to coming here, since it has offered me some overwheming experiences. So the expectation keeps rising. But as life always has its way over us, I was once again presented with a number of surprises, most of which I didnt qiute like. Is the city loosing its charm? Or are my expectations irrational? Whatever it is, I feel this city has become more hostile to outsiders than it ever was. With each visit, I feel what seems like a steady detorioration. And I am forced to ask myself, what is happening to the most amazing city in my country? Does it have to do with the series of unfortunate incidents that wounded the city over the years? Or is it the steady stream of outsiders who have encroached into the already limited space here?

So, coming back to my rather disappointing surprise, for the first time in my life, I was unhappy being in Mumbai, and wanted to leave as soon as possible. And I heard myself saying I dont want to come back here again. Coming from a person who had taken up a job for peanuts to live in this city, I believe that is quite an overwhelming emotion.

But just to prove me wrong yet again, Mumbai took me for another joy ride. I found myself visitng my old haunts... bandstand, totos garage, sayeeba, shivaji park, naturals..... And suddenly me and Mumbai are good again!

2006-09-07T16:01:00.000+05:30

A few days back I was talking to someone about my habit of maintaining a journal. The reaction I received wasn’t exactly expected. I was pleasantly surprised that some people actually believe that this whole journal thing may not be a great idea. Why? Because then you always have the option of living with the past. The question I was asked was rather simple, yet it took me a while to answer. The question was ‘why’. Why do I feel the need to maintain a journal? Do I read my old recordings? What is it that we get out of revisiting experiences? Learning from past mistakes? Reliving moments of joy?

For years I have been maintaining a journal almost on a daily basis. I started with my infantile impressions of the world, where I described my everyday affairs, tiffs with friends and so on. As my world view changed with time, the style of my journals changed simultaneously. Soon I found myself attempting to answer the cryptic questions that had formed in my mind. I found myself trying to break the various codes that had become a part of my life. Codes pertaining to my value systems, my ideologies, my experiences and the intense relationship each one of these share with the other. It is not that I found answers to all my questions during the exercise. But I always found some direction.

I write because the thoughts inside my head get an outlet, and hence a direction. The thoughts, once put into paper, tend to take a definitive shape, a perspective. It’s not meant to be looked in hindsight. It is supposed to give you future direction, a plan of action.

2006-08-17T13:09:00.000+05:30

Mumbai isnt one of the places that I associate with serious thoughts. Its always been a fun place for me. I go there to de-stress, party, meet up with friends, chill out. This time too it was supposed to be somewhat similar a routine. But I ended up having this conversation with someone rather close to me. I have taken his permission to share this, so here is a transcript of the conversation we had:

"The serial blasts in the local trains disturbed me. I had to sit back and think about it. What is the difference between those who died in the blast and me. Just the time factor, right?

Have you ever wondered how vulnerable life is? Does that not make you wonder the sheer temporarity of your existance?"

This is perhaps a rhetoric question. But in the last few years, I have been more convinced than ever. It is not only about the series of disasters, bomb blasts, wars that are going on around us right now. It is perhaps about the very nature of life that we experience. Definiton of 'life' changes for all of us with time. They change with each phase that we experience. The value systems, the do's and dont's, the likings and dislikes, all of it. It is the awarenes of this change that evolves the person in you. Is this sounding like a sermon? Well, I take the risk. And I shall go on...

Have you ever wondered what difference does it make to the greater world if you are not here today? Not personal, just a wholistic impact... Honestly, I dont think I am irreplacable. It could have been anybody in my chair right now, working on this very machine. What matters is what you do with the invaluable resources that are at your disposal. We often say that we cant change the world alone. Yes, perhaps you cant. But you can make a little difference in your own life itself, right? After all, it is momentary. Do you really want to loose out on the limited time you have?

Dreams Interpreted

2006-08-04T17:08:00.000+05:30

I had a disturbing dream.
Twice on the same night.
I had the same disturbing dream twice in one night....
When I woke up the second time, my first thought was that I am going mad!!!
Or who knows, I may have already lost it....

But when I was talking to my friend last night about this incident, he said he has been having weird dreams recently as well. Did that give me some comfort? Perhaps, to some extent. But in the end, when you examine your own dreams, they may not paint a pretty picture. And it is such a personal experience, that even sharing with someone close doesnt seem to ease the pain....

2006-07-22T10:36:00.000+05:30

If your absence goes unnoticed, if you are not missed by those around you, does it mean that your presence was a sheer passing moment?

Home is where your heart lies....

2006-07-16T11:33:00.000+05:30

This is the second time in the last couple of months that I have landed up in Kolkata. The first one was a nicely planned vacation of 10 days. Needless to say, I had a great time.... Infact, great is perhaps an understatement. It turned out to be one of the most memorable visits home...

This time, however, it was very very different. I booked the flight one afternoon sitting in the my desk, 3 days before I left Hyderabad. I was complaining to a friend that I cant go to Mumbai 'cause I am broke. I really want to, but I cant, and so on..... And then I get a call from my mum. In the next 10 minutes, I have a ticket printed in my hand. And then it struck me.... Its never been about the money. I have never really cared about cash.... Its home calling!!!!
This pull itself is quite amazing. I have been out of home for years now. I do feel homesick once in a while. But I was always ok with not coming down more than once or twice a year. But this time, the pull seemed to be very very strong. I guess I can attribute it to this house of mine here. When I landed in Kolkata 2 yrs back, I was not sure whether I had done the right thing... leaving a job, great friends, an amazing city, and above all, my freedom behind. But I found something in this house, which I had not felt earlier. I felt peace..................
Today when I know we are about to leave this house, I feel I am parting from a very dear entity in my life. Saying bye has never been easy for me. This time, it is turning out to be more difficult..... This has been a true 'home' for me.... After all, like they say, home is where your heart is.....

Whats up?

2006-07-11T11:12:00.000+05:30

Its something I asked myself today morning, since I woke up with a funny sense of uneasyness. I thought I had slept well, and it was dreamless (was it really though?). The cat didnt jump on me in the middle of the night. Nor did the random guy (I dont know where he is from and why he does this) come and ring the doorbell at five in the morning. I was reading a paperback before going off to sleep. So what is it that was bothering me?

It took me a little while to focus my thoughts. For the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing intense intercations with a number of people around me for the past few days. And these experiences have gotten me thinking....

I guess I would be the million'th person to state that human beings are complex creatures. The novelty in this case is perhaps the discovery in my part. The way each one of us responds to those around is very unique. But if you look closer, you will definitely notice a pattern. What I have also noticed is that, this thread of commonality becomes a part of a group behaviour, and may become a collective response pattern.

Or am I wrong? Is it that the simple explanation for this pattern that I claim to exist is that I meet too many people of the same kind? And they have simipar responses to similar situations?

Not just Jazz

2006-06-22T12:49:00.000+05:30

Yesterday was one of those drive-you-crazy days loaded with expectations. The day started at 7.30 at the gym (cant believe I am actually doing this!!!), and continued through office, a snack at a coffee shop, a jazz concert,a drive to the other end of the town, a beer with the Russel Peters show, a football game, and finally a smoke with a friend before I finally hit the bed at 3.00 in the morning. Phew!!!

It was my first concert in Hyderabad. How many times have you heard a jazz concert on the roof of a coffee shop with about 75 people around you? Oh, just add the drizzle to it. I guess that sums up the experience. I would be unfair if I dont speak of the band though. They were good, perhaps better than I expected. But what the heck, I dont think I was expecting much anyway. I liked the group for the fact that they seemed to be happy playing what they liked. And that became the USP. Enjoyed the drummer a lot...
Unfortunately, there was supposed to be a second performance: a rock group called 'hisrtory makers'(Someone called them 'pastry-makers', he he he). And that didnt seem that much fun anymore. It continued to rain, which was brilliant, but not with that kind of music hurting your ears.

The evening actually got more interesting eventually, with all the drive in the rain, beer, hunt for cigerretes and food, a disfunctional cable connection and so on.... In the end, when I finally hit the bed, I couldnt help wondering about the the pace of the day....

I have been in Hyderabad for a little over seven months. And in between that time, I was travelling a whole lot of time. But inspite of the limited time spent here, looks like I have found a whole set of things to do... Its not home and work anymore. Its not about weekend parties either. It is, perhaps, just me actually settling down in the city....

And here I am, again...

2006-06-21T09:30:00.000+05:30

I realised that it has been quite a while since I have written something here. Well, I have about a thousand excuses for the absence. To begin with, World Cup Football in on, and my entire routine seems to be governed by timings of the games!!! Well, not surprising, given the fact that I still feel passionately for the game.... After all, being a conformist Bong, I have no option but to feel this way, right?

So thats how the last couple of weeks have been... Get up in the morning, go to the gym, go to work [miss atleast half of the 6.30 game :( ], head to some pub for the 9.30 game, go to ISB/someone's place for the 12.30 game, and get back home VERY VERY groggy.... This weekend was perhaps the craziest..... I actually was trying to align two birthday parties and a group gathering over and above all the other activities!!!!! But given the fact that the whole thing seemed to work out fine, I guess I managed fine!!!

Heard this song

2006-05-17T16:15:00.000+05:30

a couple of days back... It's a lovely creation called "Goodbye my lover" by this guy called James Blunt. Just wanted to put down my favourite lines from the song:

"You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well,
I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me."

And so I finally get

2006-05-16T18:22:00.000+05:30

my long deserved break.....
I am goin home folks, for a L-O-N-G break!!!! Needless to say, I really needed it. And this time around, I guess I am more excited because this vacation came rather unexpected!!!
I have been feeling homesick for the past few weeks. Its crazy, becuase after being out of home for the past five years, this should not be happening, right?
Perhaps the heart is not always tuned in with the mind. Infact, I often feel that half of the confusions I had in my life could have been avoided if I had remembered to tune in my heart with my head. You think its funny huh? Well, trust me, its not....

and the times are changin

2006-05-09T12:32:00.000+05:30

and so is the weather.....
Or did I speak too soon? I was thrilled by the sudden shower that soothed me and the city yesterday. But today doesn't look too promising..... Its getting hot again... :(

2006-04-28T16:56:00.000+05:30

This is where I want to be right now......

The heat is on......

2006-04-27T16:48:00.000+05:30

Hyderabad is incredibly hot, with the temperature rising by the day. I am not sure how long I can bear this. But I am trying to put up a brave face as of now. I keep thinking though, I have survived one summer each in Rajasthan and Gujarat. How come Andhra Pradesh is pulling me down like this? Someone told me recently that while we keep comlaining about the worsening weather, we forget that we are getting older. Is that the reason? Am I getting too old for the heat? Does our immunity system get worse in a matter of three years? Thats kind of hard to believe, right?

One good thing I noticed for my last year birthday was the absence of paranoa. 'Cause the year before that, I guess I lost it completely. I was actually depressed about reaching a particular age. Look at me, I still cant say my age..... What is wrong with me?

Now that I am here

2006-04-26T19:28:00.000+05:30

I might as well write some more....
But the question is, what to write about? A good topic can be the name of this particular blogspot. And if I need to explain why its called 'hermitage', I will have to refer to Mr. Freud and his theory of subconscious.
Why? Here's why:
The word hermitage (HUHR-muh-tij\, noun) also means "A secluded residence; a retreat; a hideaway"
In the last one week, I have been feeling rather vague. Although I was in full throttle mode of existance, a growing fear was slowly creeping in. It was an unidentifiable fear, which kept pushing me to look for an escape.....The claustrophobia was begining to engulf me.... I felt I needed to run, or else.... or else I may explode.....

Well, honestly, I simply need a break. I need a nice vacation to pamper myself. So all that has been narrated above was just my innate need for drama in life... Kindly ignore.

Anyways, coming back to the dream of a vacation, I recently received a 'holiday plan' as free gift with a purchase. It was giving a package holiay offer for a family of four (3 nights, 2 days) in about 40 locations in India. But here's the catch: the fine print in the document says offer not valid for hill stations in summer and vise-versa. So much for a free vacation.......

Anyways, the point of this whole blabber is fairly simple. I need a break, a retreat. And I am broke. So, I try and find solace in a blog-spot. Am I loosing it?

So I begin...

2006-04-26T18:57:00.000+05:30

I have been introduced to this blog culture by all my net-savvy friends. But being the net-averse soul that I am, I decided not to plunge into it right away. However, the enticement was probably too much, of having able to connect to more people at once..... and here I am.

Sitting in the office on a rather warm day, I dont think my mind can decipher the complicated threads of emotions that I am going through right now. Hence, I guess I shall give it a rest, go home, and eat..... Will resume this newly found 'hobby' tomorrow, or perhaps never.....