AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I should be working but I am bored
I should be saving but I am broke
I should be cleaning but I am tired
I should be loving but I am lost...

I am confusion personified!!!!

When I was jobless, I couldnt wait to get into a job. Now that I have a job that not only promises regular pay but also decent work, I find myself bored to death... I am very angry with someone I love, but I feel like calling up and apologising, just so that we can start talking again... All my friends are going on this trip I have dreamed of for years now, and I am not going... Right now I want to go home and crash. But I know for sure the minute I step out of work I would want to go do something 'fun' instead... GOD help me!!!!

I have been feeling miserable ever since I have realized I haven’t written anything substantial in ages :( And it’s all because of my eternal laziness. So today I have chosen to attack this highly flawed logic of mine and write again…

Recently I went back to some place I have been avoiding for years now. And on my way I kept wondering if there is any prescription for dealing with your fears, breaking your comfort zones. You know, the painful things made easy kind of stuff… And I realized, perhaps for the umpteenth time, that there can never be an easy way out… If it’s too easy, it is definitely not solving the problem… It’s like those sauna belts which claim to reduce inches from your tummy while you take a nap… If it was that easy, half the world would have been wearing them all the time… They wouldn’t have been doing 100 crunches in a gym, in front of perfectly toned up trainers who look at your bulging tummy with great contempt…

The thing is, in the end, you have to stand up and face the reality… If you are fat, and you don’t like it, you have got to run. If you are scared of being alone in the night, you need to stop lighting that bulb and try to ask yourself whether a ghost can actually kill you. After all, not everyday you hear about ghost murderers, right? Better still, go to a therapist…

I, ofcourse, have all these issues. And ofcourse, I have always tried to take the easy way out… But with passing years, I have realized that it doesn’t really help. Perhaps that is why I forced myself to make that trip. And I was amazed at how simple it really was… No one tore me into pieces, nothing was remotely unpleasant. If anything, I guess we did manage to bridge a gap with little effort. I guess sometimes we completely underestimate fellow human beings… Or we get so entangled into our own emotional drama, that we don’t recognize the simplicity of the matter…

So point of the story? Simple again… Get out of your comfort zone… You will be a whole new person… And you will love yourself a lot more :)

Updates

Have been wanting to write for a while now. Had all the time in life a month back when I was jobless. But that is the time when I am my laziest best :D Also, I was facing the infamous 'writer's block', which made things more difficult.

However, this boring Friday afternoon has finally managed to break that spell, so here I go:

New things in my life:

1. Quitting my old job :)
2. Moving to Mumbai :)
3. Staying in Bandra :) as a PG :(
4. Starting the new job :) in Bandra only :) :)
5. Finding reference to my blog in some random website. This is how they describe it: "This is a Personal blog written by Piyashree and its about Jodhpur fort,People,Life,Summer and more." (Ha ha ha ho ho ho hee hee hee)

I guess thats a lot of new things for just a couple of months... But I can always do with some more :)

I met this little boy in the Jodhpur fort. He performs with his father in one of the fort alleys through the day. He seems to have been trained well, because he would dance with the tune whenever there are tourists around. He would be dancing, and even singing along when he pleases... But he wont be distracted by the attention he is getting from those around him.

This child showed no interest in the curious tourists who kept clicking him... At the end of the performance he would go to them and ask for money. We offered him a chocolate. He took it, went to his father and dropped it at his feet. He came back to us and said "paise?"

Its perhaps not the first time when you would have seen a performance like this. It is one of the commonest sights in this country. Its just that the apparent lack of any child-like traits in this child that disturbed me a lot....

Yes, my life has come to a full circle... Yesterday I found myself walking around Hill road, navigating through the dug-up patches. And the sense of deja-vu was so strong that for a moment I thought I have travelled back in time.

About 3 yrs ago, I had landed in Mumbai in search of a new begining. I was extremely excited at the prospect of living in this city once more... The city which had given me the mixed taste of freedom, power and responsibilities.

I have always loved this city, especially the spirit of Mumbai... I have always found great friends here, unexpected kindness from people, and a lot of warmth... Lets hope this time around the city lives up to its promises again...

So the countdown has begun. I am all set to wrap up my life into my suitcases, a backpack and a couple of cartons and get out of this city. Its funny how easy a task that seems, given the fact that I have done this about a thousands times in the past. But is it that easy to wrap up your experiences in neat little bundles? And even if it is, how many of those bundles should you really carry around?

"Balance"

"Reflections"

Photograph Courtsey: Mr. Inamdar

Afternoon musings

Its one of those hot summer afternoons when you do not feel like moving even a finger. You want to turn into a sloth and vegetate in some water body. But here I am, sitting in my office, trying to decipher some illegible script and entering some life-altering hardcore 'qualitative data'....

My office is supposedly air conditioned. But I guess after coming in the Blue Star people will remove their ad... This one freezes just one person... the one sitting directly underneath. The rest of us are supposed to fend for ourselves....

My colleagues, all looking very busy, are perhaps in a similar state of irritation. How else can you defend the msgr. chats that are happening across desks which are literally on each other? Yesterday, I actually got caught talking to the girl in the next desk on yahoo. But no one seemed to be surprised. I guess they must have found it funny that someone cared enough to point out I was upto something 'no good'!!!

My laptop is so hot that I cant rest my hands on it. I get cold water from the fridge and it turns luceworm in 3 minutes. My diet coke ofcourse tastes like piss after the first 3 sips.... The earphones are also getting hot... This afternoon is slowly beginning to feel hellish... So all I can do is sit and hope there would another batch of evening showers to soothe my scortched soul...

Make-over

A few days back I looked at my blog, and felt quite ashamed of myself. I apparently had some ten posts over the last one year :( And here I was, proudly displaying the link to everybody in this world... And this is especially sad because this last one year had been extremely eventful... Many of the experiences were novel, extremely delightful, or introspective....I found new places to go to, and new elements in me which I was unaware of... Looking back, I feel amazed at the fact that I didnt ever feel the need to sit and write about any of those...

My hyperactive self refused to take this longer. So here I am, trying to give this virtual space of mine a make-over. Armed with my gadget, I have been trying to capture many moments that I want to share here... I have also been a little more regular with penning down my thoughts.. I have to admit that adorning this virtual me was quite interesting... You have so many options to choose from.... how you wish to display your appearance in public... Its like this mask that you can craft for yourself.... But then again, thats a different course of thought... As of now, let me display my thoughts while I remain hidden behind my mask...

Dissociation

This has been happening to me for the past couple of weeks. I would be in the middle of something... a party, a gathering, in a car, in the street... and I would find myself completely dissociated from my surroundings. It is like, I suddenly wont hear the noise anymore, and also perhaps loose my vision of whats going on... It feels like I am walking around inside an air bubble and I am completely cut off from the rest of the world.

Although it did freak me out in the beginning, the third of fourth time I found myself enjoying it.... It is like being under water when you dont hear anything and your vision is blurred... It is like a dream, when you cant really hear what the other person is saying, but you know... And you are left to yourslef as to how you want to interprete the incidents around you at that point of time....

Incidents such as this one also tends to question your sanity. But then, when have I ever pleaded sanity of mind? So this time around, I am all set to enjoy this expereince as many times as they occur...

What can be more welcoming than a shade in a hot sunny afternoon. And especially if it like this...

Was in a village in AP yesterday. As I was walking past the fields, I found one of my team members sitting under a tree interviewing a lady. The summer sun was getting more unbearable by the minute, so I decided to join them for a little while. And as I walked up to the spot, I was taken aback by the beauty of the spot... It was as if the tree was welcoming the passerby with a bed of flowers to sit and rest.... The tree showered me with its flowers as long as I stayed there....

I guess there are very few moments for the dwellers of the city pent to experience the beauty of nature. This definitely was one of those rare occasions....

Thats the Chowmahalla Palace in Hyderabad. Situated near Charminar, this palace was supposedly the retreat for the Nizam. Recently opened for public viewing, Times of India utilised the venue well for one of the most memorable concerts of my life.

I think the day itself was special. I had come out of office on the pretext of a depressing medical appointment, and found myself brooding over my miserable life, when this friend called to say she did manage to get the passes for us to attend a sarod recital in the old city. And what I experienced was quite unmatched to my expectations.

Sarod by none other than Ustad Amjad Ali Khan and his sons... Yes, I was prepared for the music. But it was the venue which took my breath away. As you walk in through the doors, a plush green courtyrad welcomes you... surrounded by the palace walls on all sides, and a glorius fountain in the middle.

Whether it was the maestro's brilliant performance, or the moonlight, or the chimes of the clock in the corner or the occasional evening namaz breezing in.... I found myself in a trance.... And I wish the evening never ended....

About a year back, one pleasant winter afternoon, I found myself outside the Hyderabad airport looking for a cab. My eyes were still wet (have been sobbing throughout the two-hour flight much to the discomfort to my fellow passengers I guess) and I found myself led to the taxi stand. I was supposed to report at my new office, a job I honestly had very vague idea about. But what the heck…. am I not the kind who is excited about bungee jumping?

I explained him the address, and made my customary phone call to my parents (the dutiful daughter that I am) to inform them about my safe arrival. The cabby asked me to hurry up with the call. So I reluctantly hopped in, secretly wanting to turn around and catch the next flight home.

The cabby took me through the streets of what I call the ‘hybrid’ city of Hyderabad. As I passed the Tank Bund road, I looked out of the window, and saw these cute seats on the sidewalk, sparsely populated with couples of all generations. It was a familiar sight…. Back home I have passed the lake near my house millions of times, watching couples of all ages sitting on the little seats, attempting an inconspicuous conversation behind an umbrella.

I reached my destination in what I thought to be record time, much to my discomfort. I was counting on a longish journey, which I thought would cool my nerves. But alas, that was not the case. I soon found myself walking into a hybrid apartment (it didn’t look anything like the traditional high-rises, more of a house actually) which was to double up as my workplace and shack for the next couple of weeks.

It took me a while to get used to my new bedroom, my desk at work, my neighbourhood, the food..... the usual routine that you follow when you relocate. And having done this more than once, I have to admit, I was not prepared for the experience I had here. Before I knew it, I had blended into the city life, and the process appeared to be seamless. I had been to the city at least a couple of times before that, but those visits were personal, essentially for a very short period. I had never interacted with the city on my own till that day a year back. When I look back at that first day of mine in Hyderabad, it did not show me the day… it remained yet another mundane addition to the already existent 3.6 million cosmopolitan crowd. It is now, after spending almost 365 days in this city, that I realise in awe the appeal of the city and the spirit of those who reside here.

Grey

My life revolves around a great number of people. People I spend time with, work with, or pass by on a crowded street on my way somewhere. People I care for dearly, and people who have no apparent connection with me......Each day, I find myself responding to a number of individuals in various situaltions, just like everybody else around me.

I often wonder, how many of us are aware of our true blueprint? Do we know how we respond to the variety of affairs life throws at us? Are all the reactions justifiable? Do we even sit back and think about how our actions, words, gestures impact those around us? No matter how small they are?

In the past few weeks, I have experienced great pain. And it is this pain that showed me the true colour of life : an amazing mixture of several traits, patterns, and colours in the form of 'people'.I believe, every individual is a product of opposite elements: wrong and right, black and white, good and evil, laughter and tears. Most of the times, the thin line between these opposite elements get blurred within each one of us. And the colour of life becomes grey.... simply portraying the essential mixture of all elements that it is made of....

Just when you start believing that your life is finally on track, something unexpected is thrown at you, and you are swept away. I have experienced it too many times over the past couple of decades of my existance to ignore it. To me, thats the beauty of life. As I open my eyes every morning, I eagerly wait for the new set of surprises that would be there awaiting me. And most of the times I have not been disappointed.

However, when those surprises are not that pleasant, I start feeling rather let down. For example, this trip of mine in Mumbai. As always, I landed in the city with a bundle of anticipation. I always look forward to coming here, since it has offered me some overwheming experiences. So the expectation keeps rising. But as life always has its way over us, I was once again presented with a number of surprises, most of which I didnt qiute like. Is the city loosing its charm? Or are my expectations irrational? Whatever it is, I feel this city has become more hostile to outsiders than it ever was. With each visit, I feel what seems like a steady detorioration. And I am forced to ask myself, what is happening to the most amazing city in my country? Does it have to do with the series of unfortunate incidents that wounded the city over the years? Or is it the steady stream of outsiders who have encroached into the already limited space here?

So, coming back to my rather disappointing surprise, for the first time in my life, I was unhappy being in Mumbai, and wanted to leave as soon as possible. And I heard myself saying I dont want to come back here again. Coming from a person who had taken up a job for peanuts to live in this city, I believe that is quite an overwhelming emotion.

But just to prove me wrong yet again, Mumbai took me for another joy ride. I found myself visitng my old haunts... bandstand, totos garage, sayeeba, shivaji park, naturals..... And suddenly me and Mumbai are good again!