Choices

Are you someone who lives your life on your own terms? Or atleast you think you do? Have you ever thought how that really works? Living life in your own accord I mean... I have been observing something for a while now, and I have realised, much to my discomfort and dismay, that most of us live our lives based on decisions that are hardly our own... How many times have you heard or seen women who have been very sharp/smart girls in college... Who had the ambition of a successful corporate career... You know she will rise very quickly up the ladder the minute she joins a job. She gets married, and has to leave her job because it became impossible to run the house while she managed a full-time job. Her family thought since her husband is doing so well she need not bother earning. She should pursue higher causes... such as starting the family, to which she reluctantly agreed. Result? That smartest girl from class is very busy running a full household with the baby and the husband. Her career goals, very predictably, have gone into oblivion... How many of you have known woman who get married and get pregnant immediately. Usually the common reason turns out to be that the family members believe that its for the best. A lot of these women end up having to quit their jobs because it becomes too much for them to handle... New family, new relationships, plus the responsibility of a fragile life. It is not that these people are unhappy. It is not that they are having to do things completely against their will. If you see them, you will know they are definitely happy... Its just that they realised where the expectations lay, and adapted themselves accordingly. We all do that... At home, at work, in our relationships... But after seeing an overwhelming number of women around me continuously doing this, I started to wonder. Do men have to adapt as much as women do? I know of men who have given up their jobs and stayed home looking after baby since their wives wanted to work. Or of men who have moved cities because the wife got a transfer/new job. But these examples are few and far between... I am not a feminist. The reason I am saying it out aloud is because I wish to explain my stand. I am an egalitarian. I believe in equality. And in my interpretation, feminism falls a little ahead of that in the spectrum. Anyways, the point is that these instances have disturbed me to a great extent. Now I know you are thinking 'how naive'... Yes, I admit that it may be naive to suddenly wake up and see this. But atleast I acknowledge seeing it... I am amazed by the skewed distribution when it comes to adjustments that are made by a woman compared to a man, especially within the definition of marriage. Somewhere the identity of a woman gets entangled with the man's, gets diluted and eventually vanishes.... And the scary thought is that the whole adjustment part is done so naturally that often the person concerned doesn't even stop to think again... Its imbibed in our value systems... In our up-bringing... I dont think it is wrong to take care of those around you. I dont think its wrong to prioritise your family over your career... I just think its wrong for people to expect you will do it. I think its wrong for people to assume that its your duty to have babies and not aspire for something that you care for... And I have a HUGE problem with those who immediately judge for saying you want to live your life according to your free will. Because what they fail to understand is that anything that is forced upon someone is bound to fail... And they also fail to respect the person's judgement call for important choices that they need to make....

As the clock strikes two

As the clock strikes two every afternoon, my world comes to a standstill... I would be staring into the computer screen, or sitting in a meeting... And then, just like cinderalla, I tranform into sleeping beauty from dancing queen....

Slowly, my brain goes numb, my eyes become watery, and one giant yawn follows the other.... No matter what I am doing, sleep always manages to find its way into my head... I can feel the heaviness in the head and in my eyes... I try to stay up... I try to fight this feeling... But it always comes back with full force... My eyelids slowly and heavily head towards the downfall....

I find myself wishing for a soft bed, a softer pillow to hug, and a rug to cover myself... I dream of falling into a deep sleep.... Peaceful... happy sleep...

But ofcourse, as soon I doze into this happy thought, I jerk back to reality... Stealing glances at my co-workers... Hoping no one noticed me dozing off in my chair.... And by default, the boss-man would be passing by my cubicle right at that momnet. As if, he knew he could catch me red-handed....

Life oh life

Apologies for the prolonged silence. But I have reasons for the same, as usual. As life continues to be a roller-costar ride, I had finally let go. And I have to admit, I have been enjoying it thoroughly…
So where should I start? I guess the last week was my life in full blast… I lost my job Tuesday morning, much to my unpleasant surprise (I always wanted to quit on Monday morning, and this of course was a complete anti-climax). Thankfully, the job was not something I was actually enjoying, so it was what my mother would have described as a ‘blessing in disguise’…

After brooding over the unexpected unemployed status for a day, I decided that all this was an indicator from the Higher Power that I was meant to do something more meaningful. So I should spend time thinking about my future, exploring my options, and basically take it easy for the next few days. Of course all this pragmatism came only and only because of those around me…. I was amazed, touched and thrilled at the sheer support I got from everybody…. Especially my friends in this city… And I realized, once again, that I am a rather lucky idiot to have landed up with such beautiful souls around me…

Anyways, the very next day another guardian angel landed up at my doorstep with an offer I found hard to believe. Yes, you guessed it… He had a job offer… Something very different in terms of my employment context and history… But an offer nonetheless… Of doing something productive for a change… I was thrilled once again… And decided to take it up….

Boy am I glad about that decision… I have started travelling to a different part of the city… A very unique piece that the city has to offer… I was truly taken by surprise when I found myself driven into the locality. I walked into this nice big building that had a plush look. The elevators here are huge and very fast, showing time and date to those who care to look up. I couldn’t help remembering the elevator in my last job. It barely held two people, with the third person having to squeeze in hoping his/her butt doesn’t get squished by the gates. And then there a vigilant security guard who thought those working in that building did not have the right to step into the elevator. So he would always chase you out of the vicinity.

As I walked into the office, I couldn’t resist a smile. It looked like a real office!!!! Now you must be wondering why on earth am I going ga-ga over a stupid office space. But trust me, after having worked out of apartments for the most part of my life, this was a much welcome change.

So almost a week now I have been working in a ‘real’ corporate office. And surprisingly, I realized I do seem to have some skill sets which are compatible with the ‘for-profit’ sector. Now comes the biggest question… Am I willing to give up what I always knew I was meant to do? Am I ready to tread a different path where my heart does not lie? Honestly, the answer is no… All this wonders of the corporate world is perhaps the best indicator for me… I need to back where I belong… This is not my place… Not here, not now…. Not ever….

Diamonds…. the global status symbol….. always for the rich and the famous. The ‘rare’ stone has had a big fan following over the years. And now, they seem to have found a way into our lives too…

Every other day you will find a new company launching a range of diamond jewellery at ‘affordable’ prices, accompanied with the tacky one-liners that say how it is the only way to express your true emotions for your lady love. And of course there are a number of elegant female celebrities endorsing the diamonds and the beautiful, royal, chic design, saying to you how diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

To tell you the truth, I myself was pretty fond of the lovely stone… I thought that the man who loves me should be able to give me a diamond ring… Come on, I mean, don’t I deserve it? Isn’t it amazing to show someone the ring and say “Here, I got engaged!!!”

The other day I was chatting with a friend, and she was talking about her personal experiences in the diamond mine zones of South Africa. She was mentioning that since the prices of diamond are fixed in the global market, one of the ways that the companies earn profit is by keeping the wage rates to the bare minimum. She also mentioned that the single reason for the increased prevalence of HIV/AIDS in this region could be accounted to the growing migrant labour population who worked at these mines.

So here’s my question to myself… how important is this piece of stone in my life? They say a diamond is forever. Yes, they are… Just like my books, my music, my favourite friend, my family and my love for the one person I wish to spend my entire life with… Aren’t diamonds the commonest stone that I see almost every other person wearing? How important is it for me to own that one huge stone? Does the size of the stone really portray how much that person loves me? Isn’t love priceless, or is it comparable to the price of a stone which came out tainted with the blood and sweat of a fellow human being….

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I should be working but I am bored
I should be saving but I am broke
I should be cleaning but I am tired
I should be loving but I am lost...

I am confusion personified!!!!

When I was jobless, I couldnt wait to get into a job. Now that I have a job that not only promises regular pay but also decent work, I find myself bored to death... I am very angry with someone I love, but I feel like calling up and apologising, just so that we can start talking again... All my friends are going on this trip I have dreamed of for years now, and I am not going... Right now I want to go home and crash. But I know for sure the minute I step out of work I would want to go do something 'fun' instead... GOD help me!!!!

I have been feeling miserable ever since I have realized I haven’t written anything substantial in ages :( And it’s all because of my eternal laziness. So today I have chosen to attack this highly flawed logic of mine and write again…

Recently I went back to some place I have been avoiding for years now. And on my way I kept wondering if there is any prescription for dealing with your fears, breaking your comfort zones. You know, the painful things made easy kind of stuff… And I realized, perhaps for the umpteenth time, that there can never be an easy way out… If it’s too easy, it is definitely not solving the problem… It’s like those sauna belts which claim to reduce inches from your tummy while you take a nap… If it was that easy, half the world would have been wearing them all the time… They wouldn’t have been doing 100 crunches in a gym, in front of perfectly toned up trainers who look at your bulging tummy with great contempt…

The thing is, in the end, you have to stand up and face the reality… If you are fat, and you don’t like it, you have got to run. If you are scared of being alone in the night, you need to stop lighting that bulb and try to ask yourself whether a ghost can actually kill you. After all, not everyday you hear about ghost murderers, right? Better still, go to a therapist…

I, ofcourse, have all these issues. And ofcourse, I have always tried to take the easy way out… But with passing years, I have realized that it doesn’t really help. Perhaps that is why I forced myself to make that trip. And I was amazed at how simple it really was… No one tore me into pieces, nothing was remotely unpleasant. If anything, I guess we did manage to bridge a gap with little effort. I guess sometimes we completely underestimate fellow human beings… Or we get so entangled into our own emotional drama, that we don’t recognize the simplicity of the matter…

So point of the story? Simple again… Get out of your comfort zone… You will be a whole new person… And you will love yourself a lot more :)

Updates

Have been wanting to write for a while now. Had all the time in life a month back when I was jobless. But that is the time when I am my laziest best :D Also, I was facing the infamous 'writer's block', which made things more difficult.

However, this boring Friday afternoon has finally managed to break that spell, so here I go:

New things in my life:

1. Quitting my old job :)
2. Moving to Mumbai :)
3. Staying in Bandra :) as a PG :(
4. Starting the new job :) in Bandra only :) :)
5. Finding reference to my blog in some random website. This is how they describe it: "This is a Personal blog written by Piyashree and its about Jodhpur fort,People,Life,Summer and more." (Ha ha ha ho ho ho hee hee hee)

I guess thats a lot of new things for just a couple of months... But I can always do with some more :)

I met this little boy in the Jodhpur fort. He performs with his father in one of the fort alleys through the day. He seems to have been trained well, because he would dance with the tune whenever there are tourists around. He would be dancing, and even singing along when he pleases... But he wont be distracted by the attention he is getting from those around him.

This child showed no interest in the curious tourists who kept clicking him... At the end of the performance he would go to them and ask for money. We offered him a chocolate. He took it, went to his father and dropped it at his feet. He came back to us and said "paise?"

Its perhaps not the first time when you would have seen a performance like this. It is one of the commonest sights in this country. Its just that the apparent lack of any child-like traits in this child that disturbed me a lot....

Yes, my life has come to a full circle... Yesterday I found myself walking around Hill road, navigating through the dug-up patches. And the sense of deja-vu was so strong that for a moment I thought I have travelled back in time.

About 3 yrs ago, I had landed in Mumbai in search of a new begining. I was extremely excited at the prospect of living in this city once more... The city which had given me the mixed taste of freedom, power and responsibilities.

I have always loved this city, especially the spirit of Mumbai... I have always found great friends here, unexpected kindness from people, and a lot of warmth... Lets hope this time around the city lives up to its promises again...

So the countdown has begun. I am all set to wrap up my life into my suitcases, a backpack and a couple of cartons and get out of this city. Its funny how easy a task that seems, given the fact that I have done this about a thousands times in the past. But is it that easy to wrap up your experiences in neat little bundles? And even if it is, how many of those bundles should you really carry around?

"Balance"

"Reflections"

Photograph Courtsey: Mr. Inamdar

Afternoon musings

Its one of those hot summer afternoons when you do not feel like moving even a finger. You want to turn into a sloth and vegetate in some water body. But here I am, sitting in my office, trying to decipher some illegible script and entering some life-altering hardcore 'qualitative data'....

My office is supposedly air conditioned. But I guess after coming in the Blue Star people will remove their ad... This one freezes just one person... the one sitting directly underneath. The rest of us are supposed to fend for ourselves....

My colleagues, all looking very busy, are perhaps in a similar state of irritation. How else can you defend the msgr. chats that are happening across desks which are literally on each other? Yesterday, I actually got caught talking to the girl in the next desk on yahoo. But no one seemed to be surprised. I guess they must have found it funny that someone cared enough to point out I was upto something 'no good'!!!

My laptop is so hot that I cant rest my hands on it. I get cold water from the fridge and it turns luceworm in 3 minutes. My diet coke ofcourse tastes like piss after the first 3 sips.... The earphones are also getting hot... This afternoon is slowly beginning to feel hellish... So all I can do is sit and hope there would another batch of evening showers to soothe my scortched soul...

Make-over

A few days back I looked at my blog, and felt quite ashamed of myself. I apparently had some ten posts over the last one year :( And here I was, proudly displaying the link to everybody in this world... And this is especially sad because this last one year had been extremely eventful... Many of the experiences were novel, extremely delightful, or introspective....I found new places to go to, and new elements in me which I was unaware of... Looking back, I feel amazed at the fact that I didnt ever feel the need to sit and write about any of those...

My hyperactive self refused to take this longer. So here I am, trying to give this virtual space of mine a make-over. Armed with my gadget, I have been trying to capture many moments that I want to share here... I have also been a little more regular with penning down my thoughts.. I have to admit that adorning this virtual me was quite interesting... You have so many options to choose from.... how you wish to display your appearance in public... Its like this mask that you can craft for yourself.... But then again, thats a different course of thought... As of now, let me display my thoughts while I remain hidden behind my mask...

Dissociation

This has been happening to me for the past couple of weeks. I would be in the middle of something... a party, a gathering, in a car, in the street... and I would find myself completely dissociated from my surroundings. It is like, I suddenly wont hear the noise anymore, and also perhaps loose my vision of whats going on... It feels like I am walking around inside an air bubble and I am completely cut off from the rest of the world.

Although it did freak me out in the beginning, the third of fourth time I found myself enjoying it.... It is like being under water when you dont hear anything and your vision is blurred... It is like a dream, when you cant really hear what the other person is saying, but you know... And you are left to yourslef as to how you want to interprete the incidents around you at that point of time....

Incidents such as this one also tends to question your sanity. But then, when have I ever pleaded sanity of mind? So this time around, I am all set to enjoy this expereince as many times as they occur...

What can be more welcoming than a shade in a hot sunny afternoon. And especially if it like this...

Was in a village in AP yesterday. As I was walking past the fields, I found one of my team members sitting under a tree interviewing a lady. The summer sun was getting more unbearable by the minute, so I decided to join them for a little while. And as I walked up to the spot, I was taken aback by the beauty of the spot... It was as if the tree was welcoming the passerby with a bed of flowers to sit and rest.... The tree showered me with its flowers as long as I stayed there....

I guess there are very few moments for the dwellers of the city pent to experience the beauty of nature. This definitely was one of those rare occasions....

Thats the Chowmahalla Palace in Hyderabad. Situated near Charminar, this palace was supposedly the retreat for the Nizam. Recently opened for public viewing, Times of India utilised the venue well for one of the most memorable concerts of my life.

I think the day itself was special. I had come out of office on the pretext of a depressing medical appointment, and found myself brooding over my miserable life, when this friend called to say she did manage to get the passes for us to attend a sarod recital in the old city. And what I experienced was quite unmatched to my expectations.

Sarod by none other than Ustad Amjad Ali Khan and his sons... Yes, I was prepared for the music. But it was the venue which took my breath away. As you walk in through the doors, a plush green courtyrad welcomes you... surrounded by the palace walls on all sides, and a glorius fountain in the middle.

Whether it was the maestro's brilliant performance, or the moonlight, or the chimes of the clock in the corner or the occasional evening namaz breezing in.... I found myself in a trance.... And I wish the evening never ended....