About a year back, one pleasant winter afternoon, I found myself outside the Hyderabad airport looking for a cab. My eyes were still wet (have been sobbing throughout the two-hour flight much to the discomfort to my fellow passengers I guess) and I found myself led to the taxi stand. I was supposed to report at my new office, a job I honestly had very vague idea about. But what the heck…. am I not the kind who is excited about bungee jumping?

I explained him the address, and made my customary phone call to my parents (the dutiful daughter that I am) to inform them about my safe arrival. The cabby asked me to hurry up with the call. So I reluctantly hopped in, secretly wanting to turn around and catch the next flight home.

The cabby took me through the streets of what I call the ‘hybrid’ city of Hyderabad. As I passed the Tank Bund road, I looked out of the window, and saw these cute seats on the sidewalk, sparsely populated with couples of all generations. It was a familiar sight…. Back home I have passed the lake near my house millions of times, watching couples of all ages sitting on the little seats, attempting an inconspicuous conversation behind an umbrella.

I reached my destination in what I thought to be record time, much to my discomfort. I was counting on a longish journey, which I thought would cool my nerves. But alas, that was not the case. I soon found myself walking into a hybrid apartment (it didn’t look anything like the traditional high-rises, more of a house actually) which was to double up as my workplace and shack for the next couple of weeks.

It took me a while to get used to my new bedroom, my desk at work, my neighbourhood, the food..... the usual routine that you follow when you relocate. And having done this more than once, I have to admit, I was not prepared for the experience I had here. Before I knew it, I had blended into the city life, and the process appeared to be seamless. I had been to the city at least a couple of times before that, but those visits were personal, essentially for a very short period. I had never interacted with the city on my own till that day a year back. When I look back at that first day of mine in Hyderabad, it did not show me the day… it remained yet another mundane addition to the already existent 3.6 million cosmopolitan crowd. It is now, after spending almost 365 days in this city, that I realise in awe the appeal of the city and the spirit of those who reside here.

Grey

My life revolves around a great number of people. People I spend time with, work with, or pass by on a crowded street on my way somewhere. People I care for dearly, and people who have no apparent connection with me......Each day, I find myself responding to a number of individuals in various situaltions, just like everybody else around me.

I often wonder, how many of us are aware of our true blueprint? Do we know how we respond to the variety of affairs life throws at us? Are all the reactions justifiable? Do we even sit back and think about how our actions, words, gestures impact those around us? No matter how small they are?

In the past few weeks, I have experienced great pain. And it is this pain that showed me the true colour of life : an amazing mixture of several traits, patterns, and colours in the form of 'people'.I believe, every individual is a product of opposite elements: wrong and right, black and white, good and evil, laughter and tears. Most of the times, the thin line between these opposite elements get blurred within each one of us. And the colour of life becomes grey.... simply portraying the essential mixture of all elements that it is made of....

Just when you start believing that your life is finally on track, something unexpected is thrown at you, and you are swept away. I have experienced it too many times over the past couple of decades of my existance to ignore it. To me, thats the beauty of life. As I open my eyes every morning, I eagerly wait for the new set of surprises that would be there awaiting me. And most of the times I have not been disappointed.

However, when those surprises are not that pleasant, I start feeling rather let down. For example, this trip of mine in Mumbai. As always, I landed in the city with a bundle of anticipation. I always look forward to coming here, since it has offered me some overwheming experiences. So the expectation keeps rising. But as life always has its way over us, I was once again presented with a number of surprises, most of which I didnt qiute like. Is the city loosing its charm? Or are my expectations irrational? Whatever it is, I feel this city has become more hostile to outsiders than it ever was. With each visit, I feel what seems like a steady detorioration. And I am forced to ask myself, what is happening to the most amazing city in my country? Does it have to do with the series of unfortunate incidents that wounded the city over the years? Or is it the steady stream of outsiders who have encroached into the already limited space here?

So, coming back to my rather disappointing surprise, for the first time in my life, I was unhappy being in Mumbai, and wanted to leave as soon as possible. And I heard myself saying I dont want to come back here again. Coming from a person who had taken up a job for peanuts to live in this city, I believe that is quite an overwhelming emotion.

But just to prove me wrong yet again, Mumbai took me for another joy ride. I found myself visitng my old haunts... bandstand, totos garage, sayeeba, shivaji park, naturals..... And suddenly me and Mumbai are good again!

A few days back I was talking to someone about my habit of maintaining a journal. The reaction I received wasn’t exactly expected. I was pleasantly surprised that some people actually believe that this whole journal thing may not be a great idea. Why? Because then you always have the option of living with the past. The question I was asked was rather simple, yet it took me a while to answer. The question was ‘why’. Why do I feel the need to maintain a journal? Do I read my old recordings? What is it that we get out of revisiting experiences? Learning from past mistakes? Reliving moments of joy?

For years I have been maintaining a journal almost on a daily basis. I started with my infantile impressions of the world, where I described my everyday affairs, tiffs with friends and so on. As my world view changed with time, the style of my journals changed simultaneously. Soon I found myself attempting to answer the cryptic questions that had formed in my mind. I found myself trying to break the various codes that had become a part of my life. Codes pertaining to my value systems, my ideologies, my experiences and the intense relationship each one of these share with the other. It is not that I found answers to all my questions during the exercise. But I always found some direction.

I write because the thoughts inside my head get an outlet, and hence a direction. The thoughts, once put into paper, tend to take a definitive shape, a perspective. It’s not meant to be looked in hindsight. It is supposed to give you future direction, a plan of action.

Mumbai isnt one of the places that I associate with serious thoughts. Its always been a fun place for me. I go there to de-stress, party, meet up with friends, chill out. This time too it was supposed to be somewhat similar a routine. But I ended up having this conversation with someone rather close to me. I have taken his permission to share this, so here is a transcript of the conversation we had:

"The serial blasts in the local trains disturbed me. I had to sit back and think about it. What is the difference between those who died in the blast and me. Just the time factor, right?

Have you ever wondered how vulnerable life is? Does that not make you wonder the sheer temporarity of your existance?"

This is perhaps a rhetoric question. But in the last few years, I have been more convinced than ever. It is not only about the series of disasters, bomb blasts, wars that are going on around us right now. It is perhaps about the very nature of life that we experience. Definiton of 'life' changes for all of us with time. They change with each phase that we experience. The value systems, the do's and dont's, the likings and dislikes, all of it. It is the awarenes of this change that evolves the person in you. Is this sounding like a sermon? Well, I take the risk. And I shall go on...

Have you ever wondered what difference does it make to the greater world if you are not here today? Not personal, just a wholistic impact... Honestly, I dont think I am irreplacable. It could have been anybody in my chair right now, working on this very machine. What matters is what you do with the invaluable resources that are at your disposal. We often say that we cant change the world alone. Yes, perhaps you cant. But you can make a little difference in your own life itself, right? After all, it is momentary. Do you really want to loose out on the limited time you have?

Dreams Interpreted

I had a disturbing dream.
Twice on the same night.
I had the same disturbing dream twice in one night....
When I woke up the second time, my first thought was that I am going mad!!!
Or who knows, I may have already lost it....

But when I was talking to my friend last night about this incident, he said he has been having weird dreams recently as well. Did that give me some comfort? Perhaps, to some extent. But in the end, when you examine your own dreams, they may not paint a pretty picture. And it is such a personal experience, that even sharing with someone close doesnt seem to ease the pain....

If your absence goes unnoticed, if you are not missed by those around you, does it mean that your presence was a sheer passing moment?

Home is where your heart lies....

This is the second time in the last couple of months that I have landed up in Kolkata. The first one was a nicely planned vacation of 10 days. Needless to say, I had a great time.... Infact, great is perhaps an understatement. It turned out to be one of the most memorable visits home...

This time, however, it was very very different. I booked the flight one afternoon sitting in the my desk, 3 days before I left Hyderabad. I was complaining to a friend that I cant go to Mumbai 'cause I am broke. I really want to, but I cant, and so on..... And then I get a call from my mum. In the next 10 minutes, I have a ticket printed in my hand. And then it struck me.... Its never been about the money. I have never really cared about cash.... Its home calling!!!!
This pull itself is quite amazing. I have been out of home for years now. I do feel homesick once in a while. But I was always ok with not coming down more than once or twice a year. But this time, the pull seemed to be very very strong. I guess I can attribute it to this house of mine here. When I landed in Kolkata 2 yrs back, I was not sure whether I had done the right thing... leaving a job, great friends, an amazing city, and above all, my freedom behind. But I found something in this house, which I had not felt earlier. I felt peace..................
Today when I know we are about to leave this house, I feel I am parting from a very dear entity in my life. Saying bye has never been easy for me. This time, it is turning out to be more difficult..... This has been a true 'home' for me.... After all, like they say, home is where your heart is.....

Whats up?

Its something I asked myself today morning, since I woke up with a funny sense of uneasyness. I thought I had slept well, and it was dreamless (was it really though?). The cat didnt jump on me in the middle of the night. Nor did the random guy (I dont know where he is from and why he does this) come and ring the doorbell at five in the morning. I was reading a paperback before going off to sleep. So what is it that was bothering me?

It took me a little while to focus my thoughts. For the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing intense intercations with a number of people around me for the past few days. And these experiences have gotten me thinking....

I guess I would be the million'th person to state that human beings are complex creatures. The novelty in this case is perhaps the discovery in my part. The way each one of us responds to those around is very unique. But if you look closer, you will definitely notice a pattern. What I have also noticed is that, this thread of commonality becomes a part of a group behaviour, and may become a collective response pattern.

Or am I wrong? Is it that the simple explanation for this pattern that I claim to exist is that I meet too many people of the same kind? And they have simipar responses to similar situations?

Not just Jazz

Yesterday was one of those drive-you-crazy days loaded with expectations. The day started at 7.30 at the gym (cant believe I am actually doing this!!!), and continued through office, a snack at a coffee shop, a jazz concert,a drive to the other end of the town, a beer with the Russel Peters show, a football game, and finally a smoke with a friend before I finally hit the bed at 3.00 in the morning. Phew!!!

It was my first concert in Hyderabad. How many times have you heard a jazz concert on the roof of a coffee shop with about 75 people around you? Oh, just add the drizzle to it. I guess that sums up the experience. I would be unfair if I dont speak of the band though. They were good, perhaps better than I expected. But what the heck, I dont think I was expecting much anyway. I liked the group for the fact that they seemed to be happy playing what they liked. And that became the USP. Enjoyed the drummer a lot...
Unfortunately, there was supposed to be a second performance: a rock group called 'hisrtory makers'(Someone called them 'pastry-makers', he he he). And that didnt seem that much fun anymore. It continued to rain, which was brilliant, but not with that kind of music hurting your ears.

The evening actually got more interesting eventually, with all the drive in the rain, beer, hunt for cigerretes and food, a disfunctional cable connection and so on.... In the end, when I finally hit the bed, I couldnt help wondering about the the pace of the day....

I have been in Hyderabad for a little over seven months. And in between that time, I was travelling a whole lot of time. But inspite of the limited time spent here, looks like I have found a whole set of things to do... Its not home and work anymore. Its not about weekend parties either. It is, perhaps, just me actually settling down in the city....

And here I am, again...

I realised that it has been quite a while since I have written something here. Well, I have about a thousand excuses for the absence. To begin with, World Cup Football in on, and my entire routine seems to be governed by timings of the games!!! Well, not surprising, given the fact that I still feel passionately for the game.... After all, being a conformist Bong, I have no option but to feel this way, right?

So thats how the last couple of weeks have been... Get up in the morning, go to the gym, go to work [miss atleast half of the 6.30 game :( ], head to some pub for the 9.30 game, go to ISB/someone's place for the 12.30 game, and get back home VERY VERY groggy.... This weekend was perhaps the craziest..... I actually was trying to align two birthday parties and a group gathering over and above all the other activities!!!!! But given the fact that the whole thing seemed to work out fine, I guess I managed fine!!!

Heard this song

a couple of days back... It's a lovely creation called "Goodbye my lover" by this guy called James Blunt. Just wanted to put down my favourite lines from the song:

"You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well,
I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me."

And so I finally get

my long deserved break.....
I am goin home folks, for a L-O-N-G break!!!! Needless to say, I really needed it. And this time around, I guess I am more excited because this vacation came rather unexpected!!!
I have been feeling homesick for the past few weeks. Its crazy, becuase after being out of home for the past five years, this should not be happening, right?
Perhaps the heart is not always tuned in with the mind. Infact, I often feel that half of the confusions I had in my life could have been avoided if I had remembered to tune in my heart with my head. You think its funny huh? Well, trust me, its not....

and the times are changin

and so is the weather.....
Or did I speak too soon? I was thrilled by the sudden shower that soothed me and the city yesterday. But today doesn't look too promising..... Its getting hot again... :(

This is where I want to be right now......

The heat is on......

Hyderabad is incredibly hot, with the temperature rising by the day. I am not sure how long I can bear this. But I am trying to put up a brave face as of now. I keep thinking though, I have survived one summer each in Rajasthan and Gujarat. How come Andhra Pradesh is pulling me down like this? Someone told me recently that while we keep comlaining about the worsening weather, we forget that we are getting older. Is that the reason? Am I getting too old for the heat? Does our immunity system get worse in a matter of three years? Thats kind of hard to believe, right?

One good thing I noticed for my last year birthday was the absence of paranoa. 'Cause the year before that, I guess I lost it completely. I was actually depressed about reaching a particular age. Look at me, I still cant say my age..... What is wrong with me?

Now that I am here

I might as well write some more....
But the question is, what to write about? A good topic can be the name of this particular blogspot. And if I need to explain why its called 'hermitage', I will have to refer to Mr. Freud and his theory of subconscious.
Why? Here's why:
The word hermitage (HUHR-muh-tij\, noun) also means "A secluded residence; a retreat; a hideaway"
In the last one week, I have been feeling rather vague. Although I was in full throttle mode of existance, a growing fear was slowly creeping in. It was an unidentifiable fear, which kept pushing me to look for an escape.....The claustrophobia was begining to engulf me.... I felt I needed to run, or else.... or else I may explode.....

Well, honestly, I simply need a break. I need a nice vacation to pamper myself. So all that has been narrated above was just my innate need for drama in life... Kindly ignore.

Anyways, coming back to the dream of a vacation, I recently received a 'holiday plan' as free gift with a purchase. It was giving a package holiay offer for a family of four (3 nights, 2 days) in about 40 locations in India. But here's the catch: the fine print in the document says offer not valid for hill stations in summer and vise-versa. So much for a free vacation.......

Anyways, the point of this whole blabber is fairly simple. I need a break, a retreat. And I am broke. So, I try and find solace in a blog-spot. Am I loosing it?

So I begin...

I have been introduced to this blog culture by all my net-savvy friends. But being the net-averse soul that I am, I decided not to plunge into it right away. However, the enticement was probably too much, of having able to connect to more people at once..... and here I am.

Sitting in the office on a rather warm day, I dont think my mind can decipher the complicated threads of emotions that I am going through right now. Hence, I guess I shall give it a rest, go home, and eat..... Will resume this newly found 'hobby' tomorrow, or perhaps never.....